STEVE MCLAREN - A TRIBUTE SONG

THE OXFORD UNION: WHERE THE SPIRIT OF FREEDOM OF SPEECH GETS URINATED UPON

Francis

Hakmao

Fat Man

Norm

Clive Davis

Antonia

RELIGION: YOU KNOW IT MAKES SENSE

"A British teacher has been arrested in Sudan for letting her children name a teddy bear Mohammed, the British Embassy said.

Gillian Gibbons, 54, from Liverpool, was detained on Sunday on suspicion of insulting Islam's prophet.

The teacher let her class of seven year olds choose the name as part of a school project."


Outrageous!

Why has the teacher been arrested and not the teddy bear? Unless it's on record that he objected to being called Mohammed, then I think it's him who should be prosecuted under Sudan's "faith and religions" legislation.

Utter madness!


a teddy bear, yesterday, not causing
an international incident.

GORDON BROWN ATE MY HAMSTER

After revelations that Gordon Brown absentmindedly lost the entire records of the UK population, made a bank lose billions through incompetent management, and kept the military begging for money for his own amusement, another story has exploded that threatens to harm the Prime Minister's reputation further as well as gain the anger of animal rights groups.

Horrified onlookers were left shaking when, during a visit to a primary school in Biggin Hill, Gordon Brown reached into the cage of the school hamster, picked it up and placed it in his mouth.

"We all thought it was a joke," Said Mrs Gwiggis, a witness to the incident whose child attends the school, "but then he started chewing and we realised he was actually eating it"

Screaming children looked on as the Prime Minister continued to eat the rodent, "staring wildly as blood dribbled down his face." "Then he ran off down the corridor laughing like a madman," said Mr MgGoo, the children's teacher.

Shocked parents today demanded an explanation from school's Headmistress, asking how such a dangerous individual could have been allowed so close to the hamster's cage. "We all want to know how he was allowed anywhere near Pinky; he was such a gentle peaceful creature." said Miss Biss, whose child still wets the bed after witnessing being at the scene. "Being eaten by Gordon Brown is no way to die."

"I don't think he's fit to be our Prime Minister," said another eye witness who wished to remain anonymous. "What's Tony doing now? Can we have him back? He never ate children's pets"

Do you have a story about Gordon Brown? Especially one that might link him to England not qualifying for the European Championships? Then please give the Small Town Scribbles news desk a call.

CROATIA: AGAIN

Oh goody! Another chance to humiliate ourselves.

ENGLAND DOESN'T EXPECT

Yup, we not only lose computer discs containing sensitive data of almost every adult and child in the country, we also lose important football matches.

Being English is currently quite shit.

WHEN ADMIN ERRORS ATTACK!

Erm, slight problem everyone. Two computer discs containing the names, addresses, dates of birth, National Insurance numbers and bank details of 25 million people have gone missing.

Could everyone take a look for them please? Maybe you've unknowingly picked the envelope up from your door-mat with the assorted leaflets from Pizza Land and Iceland Frozen Foods and thrown it into the recycling?

Or perhaps that Lovefilm envelope you think you got this morning and tossed onto your coffee table actually contains the entire database of Inland Revenue and Customs.

If you could just look in your drawers and down the back of the settee, I'm sure Alistair would be grateful. Let him know if you find anything, as this could cause a few problems.

Thanks!

BBC NEWS 24: BREAKING NEWS UNTIL IT HURTS

NEWSREADER:
Reports just in that there is a huge plume of black smoke spreading over London from a large fire on 2012 Olympics site. I believe we have an eye witness; what can you see there?

EYE WITNESS:
A huge plume of black smoke.

NR:
When did the huge plume of smoke appear?

EW:
About an hour ago.

NR:
And how big a plume of smoke was it then?

EW:
It started off quite small, but grew to be huge.

NR:
What shape is it taking?

EW:
A plume shape.

NR:
And what can you see now?

EW:
A huge plume of black smoke.

NR:
Is it bigger now then it was an hour ago?

EW:
About the same.

NR:
And is the plume of smoke still black?

EW:
Yes.

NR:
Has it always been black?

EW:
Yes, it's a huge plume of black smoke

NR:
And can you smell anything?

EW:
Yes. Smoke.

NR:
That's our eye witness, at the scene, telling us about the huge plume of black smoke that's spreading over London. Stay with BBC NEWS 24 as we bring you more eye witness accounts of this breaking story until some proper news comes along or until you gauge your own eyeballs out in desperation, whichever comes first.