Small Town Scribbles

A NEW BLOG!

2011-05-01T21:35:00.003+02:00

I've started a blog up again!

If you're interested in having a peak but cannot find me then please e-mail me at st.scribbles@btinternet.com and I will be more than happy to let you have the address.

All cyber friends welcome, lurkers or otherwise!

ON NOT BLOGGING

2010-03-03T14:19:00.007+01:00

I am pretty sure that hardly anyone purposely visits my little blog anymore. A lot of the bloggers who used to come here have packed up their own blogs and disappeared, and those who are left have no reason to come here anymore, seen as how I don't post anymore. So here's a post for anyone who pops by, because I feel I owe the blogosphere that at least.

After five years, I seem to have run out of things to say. Nothing sparks that thing off in my brain to make me want to blog anymore. I can read a newspaper, watch the news, observe the ebb and flow of life, and I just don't get that need to record my thoughts anymore.

I can do a Twitter. But Twittering is taking a quick snapshot of life, requiring nothing more than an ability to record a passing thought or action. Blogging requires a lot more of you and I don't have that to give since the kids came.

Also, I don't know quite who I am at the moment. I seem to have assumed the role of someone who is a parent, but I don't know who that someone is. I have thought that I could change the content of the blog from topical to personal. The intense waves of emotion that keep crashing into you post-adoption are something worthy of record. It is unlike any other experience to be had. But this blog doesn't feel very anonymous anymore and I feel it wouldn't be fair on the children somehow.

So, what to do. I don't know. It wouldn't be an exaggeration to say that this blog saved my sanity when I went through a bleak time and over the years I have been introduced to some great people and have learnt a lot. I love my little blog. But, clearly, I'm not blogging anymore.

I am working on a website where I'm putting up some of my creative writing, and if I ever get that in good enough shape, I'll let you know.

Other than that, I suspect that the rest is silence.

SNOW BLUES

2010-01-18T12:39:00.002+01:00

Well, my snow post for 2010 wasn't worthy of the mini ice-age that the British Isles have just experienced. Especially as I had really gone to town in 2008, here, here, here and here.

Between you and me, I think I have gone off snow now that I have children, which is the exact opposite of how it should be.

This is because the snow caused me to worry, which is the main emotion I experience second only to guilt since becoming a mother.

I worried about the amount of school the kids would miss, because they have already missed so much school in moving from their Foster Home to our home. I worried because the kids get anxious when there is a change to the routine and we couldn't establish a routine post- Christmas holiday because we didn't know from one day to the next if they were going to be in school or not. I worried because we couldn't get out and see other people and so we were all starting to crowd in on each other as the two week holiday extended into a possible third and fourth. We really could have done without the coldest winter in 30 years coming along just now.

Now though that I don't have to spend twenty minutes scraping frozen snow off the car in sub-zero temperatures and risk death slide scenarios every time I need to leave the house, it's feels like I've been without arms and they've just grown back or something. With the thaw life just became easy and I feel like I can do it again.

I am ignoring the fact that more snow/sleet is predicted for Wednesday and started filling up my diary with appointments that have been two weeks in the waiting. I usually hate making phone calls to arrange anything, but this morning it was a relief to be able to get on with things.

I hate knowing that I have been so incapacitated by a bit of extreme weather. I wonder how that can be with recent events in Haiti, which should surely have put things in perspective for me. But it didn't. It just made me feel sad and helpless in addition.

DEC appeal here, if you can afford to give.

SNOW!

2010-01-05T17:10:00.002+01:00

A band of snow is moving south from Scotland.

Country grinds to halt in 3... 2... 1...

MERRY CHRISTMAS

2009-12-25T01:12:00.003+01:00

The kids are off school so I'm not getting much Internet time because the moment I get the laptop out the kids put away whatever they are doing, mope about, and mumble "I don't know what to do" over and over. A none too subtle ploy to get me to let them go on the CBeebies website.

I quite like being a mother, but I don't like the parenting. It's like being a Manager but with the knob turned up +5000 and in your own home. And children are really random. They like baked potatoes one week, scream their heads off when you give it to them the next week. They refuse to put coats, hats and scarves on before going out and then when they're out complain how cold they are. They happily ignore you engrossed in their play until you take a phone call / pop to the loo / start to read something, when suddenly they need nothing but oxygen and your immediate and absolute attention. Parentland - it's quite a culture shock to be here.

It should be quite an exciting time, our first Christmas with our children, but, tell you the truth, I feel quite sad tonight. These children have known us for two months and so are spending their Christmas this year with virtual strangers, even if they don't appear to see it that way. It should never have had to be like this for them.

Here's to us all getting to know each other in the coming New Year.

Merry Christmas everyone. Have a good one.

CADBURYS

2009-12-16T13:34:00.003+01:00

If ever there was proof that the human race is not on a continuous course towards a better world it is the current story that Cadburys are cowering in a corner from big bad confectionery company, Kraft (who?).

Cadburys, who need no introduction to any person British, was started in 1824 by a family of Quakers. Chocolate was ethical you see and no Quakers wanted to make money out of anything that brought any harm to the world.

Cadburys not only brought us all chocolate, they gave their workers exceptionally good pay, conditions and pensions as well as building for them Bournville Village, which is still there not far from where I live. The people of Bournville had parks built for them, boating lakes, football, hockey and cricket pitches, bowling greens and swimming pools, as well as beautiful houses to live in the arts and craft design, with large gardens so that the occupiers could grow their own fruit and veg.

It was important to the Cadbury family that the emotional and physical well being of their workers, and they people they lived amongst, were taken care of. They cared about the quality of the lives of the Bournville residents.

The whole story is like a fantasy of mine where I come into lots of money and turn West Bromwich one of the best places to live in the country. At the very start I'd take a wrecking ball to the ridiculous waste of public money The Public and give the town its bloody swimming pool back, stock its library and bring back the heydays of Dartmouth Park.

Now although Cadburys can no longer be considered a Quaker company, it does still treat its workers well and the idea of a nasty American "snacks" company coming in to snatch it up so that it can be BIGGER and SELL MORE and MAKE MORE MONEY, as if there was nothing else in the world worth aiming for, could fair make one weep.

CLIMATE CHANGE CONFUSION. AGAIN

2009-12-04T13:00:00.003+01:00

I've mentioned here and here what my confused thoughts are on the whole debate about whether or not humans are responsible for the earth's current changing of climate.

I am confused even more at this latest story that scientists at the University of East Anglia manipulated data to support the theory of man-made climate change.

A few e-mails taken out of time and context should not wipe out all the data, research and accumulative opinions of the scientific community about the cause of this phenomena. But in terms of political will and public faith, this news might be cataclysmic.

I don't know whether the leaking of these e-mails is all sound and fury signifying nothing or if it is the first blast of evidence that will show us that a small number of trusted and powerful scientists, with good or bad intentions, tried to dupe the world into believing something the evidence did not support.

However, I don't believe that asking why the earth's climate is changing is as important as the fact that it is - and that we need to make our environment capable of dealing with extreme weather. As the recent floods in Cumbria have shown us, the readiness is all.

RBS BOARD IN DENIAL ABOUT HOW VERY CRAP THEY ARE

2009-12-04T12:50:00.004+01:00

The Guardian reports that:

"RBS said it had reluctantly agreed to government demands for control of its bonus pool, but ministers would limit its ability to make profits if it encouraged staff to leave for rival banks where bonus controls were absent. According to some reports, which the bank has not denied, its board has threatened to resign if the government slashes bonuses."

It's board has threatened to resign? Oh no! That must not happen! We can't have these incomptetant, narcisstic, greedy, reckless individuals leaving a major British bank ... er... erm... oh.

IN WHICH SCRIBBLES SOLVES THE WORLD'S ENERGY CRISIS

2009-11-10T22:28:00.002+01:00

So, it would seem that the world is running out of oil a tad quicker than we were lead to believe, yet we are still dithering about wondering whether we should go coal, nuclear or wind as if we had a few more centuries before we needed to make up our minds. At this rate we'll be building the new power stations in the dark with hand tools.

I have a better idea however. Why don't we harness the natural energy of the planet's children? Have you ever studied one? They can go on and on and on and on, with hardly much more than a bowl of coco pops, a sandwich and a few turkey dinosaurs and french fries to fuel them up.

In a futile effort to 'wear our kids out' (every parent's dream, I find) we've been taking our kids to soft play areas - huge jungles of slides, ropes and playframes - and allowed them to go mad for a few hours. But it does nothing. It hardly takes a sip of their oceanic energy reserves. They come home and they want to play bowling on the wii. Whilst Mr Scribbles and I can barely keep our eyes open during tea-time, they want to play after they've eaten, with cars, with board games, with marbles, with dolls.

They don't even need sleep. I feel myself sliding down the slip-road to the land of nod even as I read Alice in Wonderland to them in bed, but their little heads won't even stay on the pillow and they want me to read more and more and more and more.

Instead of spilling this precious natural resource in the soft play centres of the world, why aren't we harnessing it? We could build special places where the kids are wired up to energy collecting machines as they run around "playing" whilst the parents get to sit nearby reading newspapers and drinking coffee (just to keep a eye on things). These centres would be cheaper to build than coal stations, safer the nuclear power stations (as long as the kids are not fed too many E numbers), and cheaper than both. The only running costs would be supplies of Frubes and Fruit Shoots.

I can't believe no one else has thought of this before now. We can all relax and bathe in oil if we wish because we don't need it anymore.

IN WHICH SCRIBBLES BECOMES A PARENT

2009-11-06T22:54:00.002+01:00

Oh yes, I have become a parent. Our two adopted children moved into Scribbles Towers yesterday.

I have found that children are another country, both in terms of language and culture and preferred TV programmes. I suspect that there will be parenty type posts here on STS as I try to come to terms with my strange new life and I do hope that won't come as too much of a shock to you, dear, loyal, reader.

My husband and I are giving the Kerplunk a rest tonight and watching a Jackie Chan DVD whilst our new son and daughter sleep upstairs in their new bedrooms. I hope they are having sweet dreams.

More as I find the energy and the time ...

WHO PUT BELLA IN THE WYCH ELM?

2009-10-29T20:19:00.007+01:00

I love Halloween with all its pumpkiny spookiness. Later tonight I have one of the creepiest films I have ever seen lined-up to watch on DVD. It's called The Innocents and I recommend it if this Halloween you are looking for a ghosty film to watch made for grown-ups.

Other than that, if you have a spare ten minutes, perhaps you would like to read the fascinating if gruesome tale of Bella. It's a true story and the Hagley Woods and obelisk mentioned in the piece are local to me, and I can tell you the place is eerie enough in the day.

The story starts with a group of young boys finding the decomposed body of a woman in the empty hollow of a whych-elm tree whilst out poaching in the woods. Efforts are made to try and trace who the woman was, when suddenly the graffiti "who put Bella in the Witch Elm?" appears on the side of the obelisk near the woods. Then, spookily enough, the graffiti starts appearing in other places ....

Don't have nightmares!

BATTLE OF BOSWORTH FINDS

2009-10-29T19:57:00.005+01:00

Your Scribbles was excited to hear on radio 4 this morning, in context of something else, that the newspapers were full of the new finds at the Battle of Bosworth. Previous best guesses at where the battle actually took place seem to have not been far off, with a huge cache of pistol bullets and cannonballs having now been found two miles down from where the battle was generally thought to have probably occurred.

Don't know what images come to your mind of a 1485 battle, but I'm seeing bows and arrows, not gun metal. Our History has been altered somewhat.

OK, BUSY STILL

2009-10-17T22:39:00.002+02:00

OK, I was a little optimistic when I thought I was going to be able to post this week. Your Scribbles is working v hard at the moment, but if she wasn't she would have mentioned the anglo saxon loot leaving Birmingham (never did get chance to see it) and the fantastic blasting of the Daily Mail over the Jane Moir article by decent conscientious Internet users.

Don't delete me! I will write again when I get the chance!

NOW, WHERE WERE WE?

2009-10-08T14:21:00.003+02:00

Sorry about that, very rude of me just to go off like that. No explanation. No goodbye. Just a static nothingness of a blog for you to stare at.

If I told you, dear reader, if you are still there, that I have been very very busy with something very very important, then maybe you can forgive me for just pissing off without a word.

I can't say what's been taking up my time yet, but as soon as I get a yes, I'll let you know what I've been up to.

Anyway, there may be posts over the next couple of weeks and so if you find yourself at a loose end, then come on over.

Meantime, I'm off to check out what you've all been up ...

SOME STUDY TELLS BRITISH PEOPLE WHAT THEY ALREADY KNOW

2009-08-10T22:10:00.003+02:00

The Guardian reports that a recent study has concluded that the British are so lazy that they are "in danger of becoming too unfit to perform rudimentary tasks", which makes laziness sound like a bad thing!

And I don't know why it took a study to pick that up; it's been perfectly obvious for some time that British people can't be arsed with most things. Glad to see Birmingham second only to Glasgow as having the most slobs - I would expect nothing less. We know what's important and it's not toned tummies.

Laziness is not so bad. Seems to me that left to their own devices most people manage to be as fit as they need to be. Currently, I need to be fit enough to walk from my car to the office, and visa versa, and sit up straight at a desk all day. I don't see the need to get the dumbbells and treadmill out for that in my spare time. I'd rather have a nap.

True, some people take unfitness to extreme levels and end up stuck in bed the size of a small elephant, having liquidized hamburgers funnelled into their mouths by Feeders, but most of us manage to be unfit within reasonable limits. Whereas fit people are always in danger of spraining an ankle or something and they also move about more doing stuff, using up more of the earth's resources. Laziness is good.

And being fit isn't even sexier than being unfit anymore. Lion Bar Ice Cream say so. The only people who find people who go to the gym really attractive are other people who go to the gym. And gay men. Leave 'em all to it I say.

THE SECRET LIVES OF CATS

2009-07-31T21:13:00.002+02:00

You might have heard about Casper the cat in Plymouth, who regularly goes for a jaunt on the number 3 service.

Mr Scribbles and I have a cat who disappears for most of the day. She's quite an independent free-spirited little Miss, and so one day I fully expect to see a piece on Midlands Today about a black and white fluffy cat who spends her days propping up the bar in the Crown and Anchor drinking Bacardi Breezers and cadging fags off people. That'll be our Betsy.

THANK YOU, MR PATCH

2009-07-31T20:58:00.002+02:00

In honour of Mr Harry Patch, Britain's last living Tommy, who died recently.

Tommy

I went into a public-'ouse to get a pint o'beer,
The publican 'e up an' sez, "We serve no red-coats here."
The girls be'ind the bar they laughed an' giggled fit to die,
I outs into the street again an' to myself sez I:

O it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "Tommy, go away";
But it's ``Thank you, Mister Atkins,'' when the band begins to play,
The band begins to play, my boys, the band begins to play,
O it's ``Thank you, Mr. Atkins,'' when the band begins to play.

I went into a theatre as sober as could be,
They gave a drunk civilian room, but 'adn't none for me;
They sent me to the gallery or round the music-'alls,
But when it comes to fightin', Lord! they'll shove me in the stalls!

For it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "Tommy, wait outside";
But it's "Special train for Atkins" when the trooper's on the tide,
The troopship's on the tide, my boys, the troopship's on the tide,
O it's "Special train for Atkins" when the trooper's on the tide.

Yes, makin' mock o' uniforms that guard you while you sleep Is cheaper than them uniforms, an' they're starvation cheap; An' hustlin' drunken soldiers when they're goin' large a bit Is five times better business than paradin' in full kit.
Then it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "Tommy how's yer soul?" But it's "Thin red line of 'eroes" when the drums begin to roll, The drums begin to roll, my boys, the drums begin to roll, O it's "Thin red line of 'eroes" when the drums begin to roll.

We aren't no thin red 'eroes, nor we aren't no blackguards too,
But single men in barricks, most remarkable like you;
An' if sometimes our conduck isn't all your fancy paints:
Why, single men in barricks don't grow into plaster saints;

While it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "Tommy, fall be'ind,"
But it's "Please to walk in front, sir," when there's trouble in the wind,
There's trouble in the wind, my boys, there's trouble in the wind,
O it's "Please to walk in front, sir," when there's trouble in the wind.

You talk o' better food for us, an' schools, an' fires an' all:
We'll wait for extry rations if you treat us rational.
Don't mess about the cook-room slops, but prove it to our face
The Widow's Uniform is not the soldier-man's disgrace.

For it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "Chuck him out, the brute!"
But it's "Saviour of 'is country," when the guns begin to shoot;
An' it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' anything you please;
But Tommy ain't a bloomin' fool - you bet that Tommy sees!

Rudyard Kipling

JULY IN BRITAIN

2009-07-16T19:59:00.003+02:00

Birmingham weather over the next four days

DAY 1: Heavy Rain Shower
DAY 2: Light Rain Shower
DAY 3: Sunny Intervals (in between the rain)
DAY 4: Light Rain Shower

Been to B&Q today 'cause I've decided to build an ark.

SWINE FLU: OH SHIT!

2009-07-16T19:35:00.005+02:00

The other week when we had a heatwave (British version, with lots of rain) I saw an expert on telly saying that he was more worried about the amount of people who would die of the heat than he was about the amount of people who would die of swine flu. Now I've just seen an expert on telly saying swine flu could be a bigger threat to national security than terrorism. Worst case scenario 30% of the population might get it, with a possible 65,000 deaths - I just hope that they don't mean all at the same time because that could mess the country up somewhat. Although, looking on the bright side, at least the traffic would be lighter.

I live in Birmingham and the bloody thing is everywhere. For once, I'm not with those who think this is media hype. The thing is so infectious from where I'm sitting the 30% figure looks an underestimation.

I do wish however that the media would stop saying in such comforting tones that the only people dying from swine flu are the ones with underlying health conditions. I shouldn't imagine that's of much comfort to people with underlying health conditions.

HEATWAVE REPORT

2009-07-02T00:33:00.003+02:00

Until today, the heatwave was pretty crap here in Birmingham. The weather succeeded in being very wet, dull and muggy, which is all the bad stuff about a heatwave with none of the good. It is very odd to drive to work in fog and then have to run to the office from the car being pelted with rain harder than pebbles and hotter than my morning shower.

Today was an improvement. It was actually sunny and it was heartening to see sunrays bounce off those cars - my office overlooks a carpark, which is alright, but I'd prefer a lake or the ocean maybe. I didn't actually get to experience the sun until I got home at 6pm. It's a very sad thing only to get to look at sunlight and not actually be in it.

I note that the year Wimbledon gets a rain-proof roof-thingy, it turns out to be hot and sunny. Ha! Weather has sense of humour.

WE'RE HAVING A HEATWAVE!

2009-06-29T11:00:00.004+02:00

Seriously! Britain is going to string together several days of hot weather this week!

Broken up with a bit of rain and stuff.

Reported in the Guardian here with a headline about a teenager being struck by lightening, which is not the first thing that springs to mind when thinking about a heatwave, but it'll do.

To celebrate (the hot weather, not the lightening strike) here's the Muppets singing Tropical Heatwave.

HADLEY FREEMAN v MICHAEL JACKSON

2009-06-26T21:55:00.009+02:00

Hadley Freeman tries to make a case for why we shouldn't show collective grief about the death of Michael Jackson, because such a thing just leads to "false emotion".

Poor love, she can't differentiate between how people might genuinely feel about the death of a uniquely talented global superstar, and how the media will report it. But not to worry - I think we can learn something from her poorly argued and ill-timed article just the same.

As Hadley is so very scornful of "collective grief", I think that when she shuffles off her mortal coil we should take every care not to do anything that could lead us to this same "false emotion".

I think, when that Big Event happens, that the radio, TV stations and newspapers the world over should just ignore Hadley Freeman's sad passing. I don't think we should give her death any newspaper headlines. I don't think we should spontaneously collect in small groups and chant together her many unforgettable newspaper musings. Radio stations should not devote hours to her talent. We should not make any tributes to her on social networking sites. It would all just be so false, wouldn't it?

Much as I am sure the planet will heave with grief over her loss, I don't think we should get hysterical because clearly she would not want us to.

Certainly, any obituary written should not mention her genius. She did, after all, shag Piers Morgan* and so any celebration of her astounding talent for writing bits of irrelevant stuff in an on-line newspaper would seem a little strange, if not dishonest.

No, I really think that when Hadley Freeman passes away, we should just forget her.**

* No she didn't. Hadley Freeman has never even met Piers Morgan.
** On reflection, bit harsh. Now that I know she didn't shag Piers Morgan she should definitely get an obituary in the broadsheets.

MICHAEL JACKSON: WHAT A TALENT

2009-06-26T21:21:00.004+02:00

Performing Billie Jean, live, 1983

R.I.P.

IRAN

2009-06-22T00:55:00.001+02:00

If anybody is still bleating on about lack of civil liberties in the UK, then Scribbles would like them to look at what is happening in Iran and shut the fuck up.

TERMINATOR SALVATION: THE WORLD IN 2018

2009-06-22T00:02:00.002+02:00

Scribbles is heartened to be able to report that in post-apocalyptic 2018, women still wear make-up and have long glossy hair. It is good to know that Frizz Ease survives nuclear blasts. I think it's important to keep some standards, even if you're losing the desperate fight against a global war to prevent the termination of the human race.

Also, in 2018 people no longer swear. Not even when a great big bloody scary terminating machine creeps up and scares the shit out of you. In a world where humans are crushed, enslaved, hunted down and made to live like rats in sewers, nobody utters a single "fuck". This is progress of sorts, I would say.

GONE WITH THE RAIN

2009-06-10T22:14:00.004+02:00

I had no time to record it on this blog, but I would like to mention for the benefit of readers who do not live in the UK, that for four days (count 'em! Four!) last week the sun absolutely beat it down in the UK and the British experienced a spell of continuous natural heat. For at least three of those days I didn't even think twice about taking a coat out with me. I had to put on sun cream. I was so proud. Britain could still do weather with the best of 'em!

Since then of course it has pissed it down non stop. And it's going to carry on pissing it down for the next week. The electric heaters have gone back on in the office and I am back to wearing jumpers and my long waterproof coat with convenient hood.

I've noticed that it is psychological painful to have to wear winter clothes at this time of year. I yearn to put the sandals on and don pretty tops. I yearn. Like a horse tied up in a stall who wants to be let free to frolic in the fields, all my natural instincts are being thwarted. Whatever it is inside that makes me feel like a woman, it's not having its needs met.

Which reminds me of the article that Julie Bindle wrote in the Guardian recently, my first brush with makeup, in which she states, "I became a lesbian aged 15 and therefore have never experienced the "need" to dress for boys or men." I don't know which puzzles me more, the bit were she "became" a lesbian like it was nothing more than choice, or the bit where she suggests that makeup is merely about women wanting to please the boys.

I wonder if those women in Afghanistan who, at risk of being beaten if discovered, wore makeup under their burkas, knew that they were doing it for the men?

I also wonder if male heterosexual cross-dressers know that too? Those men who risk ridicule, and quite possibly their life as they know it, to fulfill a need to put on wigs and wear high heels and dresses, and cover their face in slap? Do they know they do it for other men?

No! The need to express femininity by painting the face in chemicals and staggering about it uncomfortable but fashionable clothes is something very sacred that sits deep in the female (and sometimes the male) physche. It may very well have its evolutionary beginnings in the need to attract a mate and get a shag in order to procreate, but it remains one of the basic instincts rather than some superficial and superfluous need by modern day women to please their masters.

I dare say I do not speak for all women. Not every woman needs to express of feminine side, but those of us who do know that something like a dress offers the promise of a life that is deliciously removed from the pressures of every day, the repetitiveness of routine, the need to be somewhere, do something, that makes up so much of our time, and transports you instead to something far more enjoyable and gracious. It allows you to dream, to slow down - to be girlish, even.

I want to dream! I need my dress fix God damn it! Red lipstick can only fulfill a girl's needs so far!

As God is my witness, as God is my witness I'm going to live through this rain and when it's all over, I'll never wear jumpers again this summer! If I have to lie, steal, cheat or kill! As God is my witness, I will wear a dress this summer.

After all, tomorrow is another day. And it might be sunny.

LABOUR AND THE PHANTOM PHONE CALL

2009-06-10T20:54:00.005+02:00

I was cooking tea the other evening (gnocchi in ricotta and spinach, as you ask) when the phone rang. When I answered it was a recorded message of a soap actress telling me how important it was that I cast my vote for Labour in the forthcoming European elections.

I was a bit spooked to be honest, not because of the message, but because I was thinking it was a bit weird receiving a phone call from someone who I was pretty sure had died. I kept thinking how hearing a voice from beyond the grave was slightly blotting out the message about voting.

Anyway, right at the end of the call, I realised I was listening to the woman who used to play Vera Duckworth in Coronation Street, and it was her character that had died, not the actress. And anyway, I had mixed her up with Wendy Craig, who used to play Pauline Fowler in Eastenders, who had died of cancer around the same time as Jade Goody. The Pauline Fowler character had also died.

There was a certain synergy with the confusion I felt over that call with how I feel about Labour these days. I'm listening to Labour but I can't work out who they are or whether they are still alive.

I always thought Labour would regret getting rid of Blair, but even I couldn't have guessed just how much. Downing Street just hasn't been working under Brown's leadership, we've lost the narrative arch of policy and the press run rings around us. This is Brown's fault. All his fault. Yes, he has had the downturn in the economy to contend with, but Blair kicked off two wars and still managed to set all the agendas. Brown treats his back benchers like rags to polish his ego, making them do things like vote for indefensible counter terrorism bill with its inexplicable and shameful 42 day detention plan, and he has revenge attacks, briefing against talented Ministers and damaging the party because he's been personally affronted by them in some way. Or because they don't have penises, one or the other.

And yet, you know, I don't think Labour is dead. There is still something about Brown that makes me want to believe. I am still willing him to break out of the Gang of Knobs who have surrounded him since he became PM and start to listen to the party members and begin to trust his instinct. I can't believe he thought it felt right to do a Youtube shoot, I can't. He's a good man, he just fell in with the wrong crowd. The spirit of Labour is still there, it just needs the PM to be the man we all know he can be and stop freaking grinning.

I choose to believe at the moment then that Brown's Labour Party is not merely a phantom party that died on Blair's departure, but alive and working. Brown and Co had better start to make themselves look solid soon though because people can't vote for a party that isn't there - as the European elections have taught us.

STAR TREK: REBOOTED

2009-05-27T22:04:00.003+02:00

Saw the new Star Trek film. Do like a good bit of sci fi. Thought was most excellent film. I have never been in space and watched space ship battles, but I feel like I have because it all looked so believable. Space has never looked so cold and beautiful and deadly. It was like watching moving art.

The spirit of the film however is in the tradition of Start Trek, examining moral dilemmas but with a twinkle in its eye. I perhaps could have done without the Scotty-in-the-water-tube scene, but otherwise the humour was subtle and unannounced.

The new James T Kirk was a little pervy, but then he is still a baby. Scribbles sincerely hopes he moves quickly in future films towards the William Shatner's James, although she's worried no one can quite do confidant-affability-with-a-knowing-and-sexy-smile quite like our Bill.

The screen however absolutely belonged to the new Spock. It lurved him. The fight inside Spock between his human passions and his Vulcan rationality was deftly conveyed here and there with an understated body posture or flash of an eye. He managed to be sexier than James T Kirk, which I'm guessing is something you wouldn't be able to imagine until you've see the film.

All the pieces are now in place. Uhura, Sulu, Chekov and Simon Pegg doing us Brits proud as Scotty. Star Trek polished up and ready to boldy go blah blah blah ...

DEATH AND SUMMER

2009-05-25T20:29:00.003+02:00

Summer is on its way I see.

I can tell this not just because it was so hot this weekend I was painting garden furniture wearing pants and a t-shirt, but also because the TV News is full of stories about skin cancer and people drowning in pools.

IN WHICH SCRIBBLES EXPRESSES HER FAITH IN THE BRITISH PEOPLE

2009-05-17T14:29:00.003+02:00

Scribbles is depressed. The MPs' expenses issue at first seemed an overblown story about MPs claiming for minor items like plugs, then it became a laugh-out-loud tale of Tory elitism, and then ... then it got serious.

There has obviously been a culture in Westminster of claiming expenses not just for due recompense, but as a way to make money. I say "obviously", because such practices have been duplicated amongst MPs and gained names such as "flipping".

The fact that Westminster fought to not have to reveal this information really puts paid to any argument that MPs did not know that they were doing anything wrong. It wasn't the 'system' that was the problem, it was the way they were using it.

I should say at this point of course that not every MP has been engaging in these practices or misusing tax payers money. Good for them. Unfortunately the list of MPs who, if not exactly engaging in dodgy practices, have taken the piss, is getting longer by the day. Enough for Westminster's authority to be thoroughly compromised.

Given that most of us operating under the will of Westminster have been enduring the worries that a downturn in the economy have brought, the story that our Lords and Masters have obviously been making hay with our money has lead to some speculation that we might go all go crazy and start running around the country breaking things.

Here for instance:

"The tumbrils are not quite rolling up Whitehall, but MPs now fear the politics of the lynch mob. Bricks were thrown through the constituency office windows of Julie Kirkbride: politicians' wives face abuse in the street; and police are protecting the home of Scunthorpe MP Elliot Morley after revelations that he claimed £16,000 against a mortgage he had already paid off. Voters, says Labour veteran Diane Abbott, want "dead MPs hanging from lamp-posts". Even one of the government's steadiest performers, Margaret Beckett, was booed by the audience on last week's Question Time.

Among ministers, there is now a genuine fear of public disorder. Meltdown, an anarchist collective involved in the G20 protests, is organising an "overthrow the government" day in June, arguing that it is time to move beyond targeting bankers. "The last time it felt like this was probably just before the poll tax riots," recalls one Labour aide."

But do you know what? I think this is projection. I think that Westminster has been a hell-hole of tension this last week and that MPs think that we are feeling it like they are. Oh, we are feeling it alright, but not in the same way they are. They are the ones who are spending their days tensely listening for footsteps along the corridor, they are the ones whose careers and reputations are on the line. They are the ones who are feeling the full weight of their misdeeds, even if we suspect that they don't feel the full guilt of it. Meanwhile, the rest of us mere mortals have our own lives to be getting on with.

I don't think that the European elections will be nearly as bad as people are saying they will be - in terms of people voting for far-right parties anyway. I simply do not believe there are enough people in this country ignorant or nasty enough to vote for parties like the BNP out of spite to make any kind of significant difference. I don't think this will bring down politics as we know it in the UK and any suggestion that it will reflects the hysteria in Westminster better than it predicts the forthcoming actions of the people.

There is nothing for it but for each and every MP to search their souls, take the public mood to heart, and never do anything like this to us again.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP!

2009-05-10T00:21:00.004+02:00

Can't take no more of this.

I am really sorry that this country obviously has enough sad and bitter people in it for the Media to realise that what Barbara Follett spends her expenses on can be made into headline news, but I couldn't give a flying jacuzzi. And as long as the media keep presenting MP's expenses as an evil one notch down from genocide then I will continue not to give a flying jacuzzi.

Why has The News got to be like this? Why? What happened to presenting facts? Imparting information in an impartial way? Why do TV newsreaders feel they have to coat these stories in 'outrage' and 'anger'. How many times do they have to start off a piece saying "There is growing anger tonight ...". What growing anger? From whom? From where?

We are being told there is 'anger' tonight because the TV News know that their mostly dumb-downed audience will understand this as an instruction to feel the 'anger' they talk about. And if there really is anger on all those Internet message boards and those e-mails to ITV, well that makes it an EVEN BIGGER STORY and so they can just go on and on and on and on and on until they all pee themselves with glee.

Byt then even the Guardian makes it headlines news over and above the extraordinary events in Pakistan.

Well, just so it is absolutely clear, the only anger I feel about this non-story is aimed at the quality of TV News in this county.

NOT IN MY NAME, you bunch of inhuman, dead-eyed, auto-queue reading bores.

UPDATE:
I take it all back! Things just got hilarious. Tories claiming expenses for clearing out their moats and hanging chandeliers in their "main manor house". Haven't been able to stop laughing all day.

SWINE FLU: WHAT TO DO

2009-05-05T17:58:00.005+02:00

Here's the leaflet that will be coming through all of our doors soon, giving us information about swine flu.

Scribbles hates to express a lack of faith in her fellow country people, but she can tell you now what most Britons will do from the moment they feel a sneeze coming on:

ONE: Turn up to work and make a big thing about snotting into tissues, just so that everyone gets to know what a brave little soldier they are for coming into work ill. Spread illness amongst colleagues.

TWO Within an hour of being in work book an emergency appointment with their GP to ask for antibiotics.

THREE Take time off work, and only come back when there is a workmate's birthday drinks thing on that they don't want to be left out of.

HAIR UPDATE

2009-05-04T21:08:00.003+02:00

I know how you like to know what is happening with my hair, and so just to let you know I have had it cut very very short. And I've stopped dying it for the first time since I was thirteen years old. Turns out my natural hair colour is a light brown with shades of mahogany.

I feel oddly vulnerable leaving my hair its natural colour. Like I'm doing something wrong and inviting ridicule upon myself. And yet having it so short feels right, like it's how it was always meant to be. Like I'm returning to my natural state. But I haven't had my hair this short since I was about six months old, so it's not like I have ever been used to it.

Length of hair is very symbolic, is it not? It's pretty much the embodiment of feminism in a woman and hippy-slackerishness in a man. Yet, I don't feel less feminine at all with short hair and I haven't noticed anyone relating to me any differently. But then, not many people ever related to me as a woman much before, if you know what I mean. People generally interact with me for my usefulness or entertainment value. But maybe that's more to do with the fact that I'm an old married woman. Or ugly. Or maybe I smell and no one has ever told me.

Anyway, short natural hair it is for a while.

SEVEN SPRING SONGS

2009-05-04T19:20:00.003+02:00

A Windmill in Old Amsterdam

The radio in my car is broken and driving to work in the morning without that distraction I have lately found myself singing about seeing a mouse. Who can say why?

Annie's Song - John Denver

This always seemed to be on the radio when I was young (I'm old now) and our parents used to take us on our camping holiday to Anglesey. It makes me think of Snowdonia in the summer. The other day at work when I was a wee bit down I found it on Youtube and played it over and over.

All Summer Long - kid Rock (yes, really)

Another current youtube favourite. Last year when we were in holiday in Villfranche we were having a most excellent lunch cooked and served by a couple of young lads. They had the radio on and when this song came on they turned it up and started singing. It was the end of the season and so I like to think they'd had a really good summer working in Villefranche and that that song would always remind them of it. Youth's a stuff will not endure.

Please Don't Leave Me - Pink

A work-out (what? I have a treadmill, don't you know!) favourite, off the much listened to Funhouse album.

Miles Away - Madonna

Another work-out favourite - it's so singy it takes your mind off the exertion.

Gimme More - Britney Spears

Another work-out favourite - nice and slow.

Piece of Me - Britney Spears

Another work-out favourite - even slower.

Well, there you go. Don't get the wrong idea about me and Britney; I just like those two songs to walk on my treadmill too. There's nothing there that's contemporary because with having no car radio to listen to, I don't know what BRMB or Heart FM are playing these days, and in the morning before work I feel compelled to listen to Radio 4 to get an update on what Gordon Brown has done wrong now.

Thank you Bob and Snoopy.

I let this memo fly free! Go for your lives ...

Here's the rules:
List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they’re not any good, but they must be songs you’re really enjoying now, shaping your spring. Post these instructions in your blog along with your 7 songs. Then tag 7 other people to see what they’re listening to.

IMMINENT DEATH, AGAIN

2009-04-28T00:30:00.002+02:00

A new global threat to life! Great! Looks like it doesn't kill that much, but can shut down schools, workplaces and public transport. A bit like snow. Hurrah! More working from home!

Welcome to the UK, swine flu.

WELCOME

2009-04-01T21:00:00.004+02:00

Barack and Michelle come to 10 Downing Street.

The women dress all pretty whilst the men talk about important stuff. Probably later, the women went and did some sewing whilst the men drank whiskey in a bar.

IS SOMETHING GOING ON?

2009-03-30T22:03:00.003+02:00

There seem to be a lot of these 'bank bailing out' things going on! Have I missed something? It's like the whole global economy has been driven into hell by freakin' idiots. How bad would that be?

I AM SO GLAD I AM NOT JACQUI SMITH RIGHT NOW

2009-03-30T21:38:00.004+02:00

You know, I've had a pretty shitty day, but at least I'm not a Home Secretary whose husband inadvertently billed the tax payer for some hand shandy TV.

IS BARACK OBAMA RUBBISH?

2009-03-25T20:11:00.001+01:00

Is the Barack Obama dream over, now?

He's been in office for weeks and weeks now and the economy is still screwed and we've still got wars and stuff. When he going to actually do some work?

GOOGLE STREET MAP

2009-03-24T22:50:00.004+01:00

I have checked out my street on Google Street View and I would just like the internet to know that since that photograph was taken we have cut the hedge and it is now as neat as all our neighbours' hedges.

Also, that's not me on Broad Street flashing my tits to a policeman. It just looks like me. But it's not.

MIDDLE CLASS PARENTS: YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG

2009-03-17T18:23:00.002+01:00

Scribbles is very concerned to recently learn that up and down this country, the fair sons of the middle classes are being slayed by addiction to skunk. It was a shock to learn that the future Barristers, Surgeons and Bankers of England have all abandoned school and taken to their beds to spend their time sucking super-strength cannabis* into their young lungs.

In one sense, I am tempted to let the situation be. If middle class boys are too doped-up to get a career, then this leaves an opening for middle class girls, and, hold your breath, the working classes to assume the professions. Soon, and very soon indeed, Oxford and Cambridge might be forced to trawl every comprehensive in the land for girls and boys bright enough to fill the free places usually hogged by smart-arsed rich boys.

Part of me however, wants to tell middle class parents what they should be doing about this, because they are just so irritatingly wrong. So, against my better judgement I offer the following advice:

First of all, however excited it makes you, don't encourage arrogance in your boys. That sense of superiority, which seems such a pleasing sign of intellectual promise in a young kiddy, will come back and bite your arse when he becomes a teenager. Plus, we've all had enough of arrogant rich boys in this country and its time they were stopped.

Secondly, allow your child some free time outside of school. Don't make them fill up every second of their day with extra classes, or music lessons, or drama club, or whatever extra curricula activity is currently in vogue amongst your set, because by the time they are 15 skunk will seem the only way out of the oppresssive, maddening world you have created for them.

Thirdly, tell them they are forbidden to smoke anything, never mind Skunk. You don't have to debate the issue with your darling offspring, you can actually tell them not to do it just because you are the parent, and odd as that may seem, that is enough. Don't get nanny to do it for you either.

Fourth, if you find they are spending their allowance on skunk, stop their money. Please trust me when I say that giving them no money will not induce death in your child. It might cause social embarrassment amongst their affluent peer group, but they will continue to breathe.

Remember A.R.S.E.

Arrogance is not allowed
Recreational free time is OK
Say they can't smoke skunk
End their money

* research suggests this might be a slight exageration, but we should never let the facts get in the way of middle class angst

HAPPY ST SCRIBBLES DAY!

2009-03-17T15:05:00.003+01:00

Saint Patrick may have banished all the snakes out of Ireland, but yesterday my husband claims he banished two mice from our house with use of the Dyson. He scared the little things out of their hiding places, one under the settee, the other from under the stairs, and ran them outdoors. Interesting pest control, I thought.

The Dyson is very loud and scary. So far however, it has not yet run the cats out of the house. This is the cats who brought the mice in the house in the first place.

BLOGGING, INTERRUPTED

2009-02-28T23:58:00.002+01:00

I have a wisdom tooth situation which is laying me a little low, and so I'm not up to very much.

But if I was up to it, I would definitely be writing a post about the Fred Goodwin V The British People situation. What kind of a monster ego must you have to preside over the worst business loss in UK history and still feel it appropriate to pocket a pension the size of a planet.

I saw him once, Fred. At the opening of Gogarburn, when I went with Mr Scribbles who works for NatWest. Fred looked such an insignificant sort of man, so colourless and so without any features of distinction that he seemed in danger of dissolving into nothing. Unfortunately, he didn't dissolve. He carried on existing and ran one of the world's largest banking groups into the ground until it had to be bought up by the Government. Now my husband doesn't get home until 7pm every night. But at least he has a job, eh, Fred?

TEN PEOPLE I DON'T KNOW BUT LIKE SHARING THE PLANET WITH

2009-02-19T21:19:00.006+01:00

Charlie Brooker - sarcasm without cynicism and an enviable turn of phrase. He livens up the TV and shines a light into dark corners of the mind with his writing.

Darren Brown - the master of all things spooky, who never-the-less rejects spookiness. Keeping it real, in the realm of mind-bending mischief.

Ricky Gervais - funny, clever, callous and never kiss-ass.

Gemma Arterton - the best thing in the recent crap James Bond film, and the best Tess of the D'Urbervilles to grace any screen, anywhere. Will hopefully see the downfall of po-faced Kiera Knightly.

Dave Lamb - Come Dine With Me narrator; says what we're all thinking

Jade Goody - the best antidote to the po-faced snobbery, take-myself-too-seriously, up-your-own-arses, i-hate-celebrity, brigade. The girl done good, and she did it with negligible odds.

John Nettles - no one else can be Chief Inspector Tom Barnaby, and if they ever try, they might find themselves killed by a rocket fired from the top of a church spire.

Richard Dawkins - sock it to 'em

David Tennant - the best Doctor Who since Tom Baker, and one of the best actors we've got.

Russel Brand - original, genuine, and importing something very British into Hollywood. Gotta love that, even if he is loud and annoying.

Have a go yourself, dear reader. I tag everyone who reads this.

Rules:
The person must be living
You must never have met the person
You must be honest and not include someone worthy (boring) just because you want to impress other bloggers

JADE GOODY

2009-02-19T21:12:00.004+01:00

Jade Goody is doing what Jade Goody does better than anyone else - she is playing the hand she has been dealt. She came from nothing and she'll return to nothing, as will we all, but what a life she forged in between. Not my kind of life, but then, I'm not Jade. She is.

I won't hear a word against the woman.

BIG BANK BOSS'S BONUS'S

2009-02-19T20:54:00.002+01:00

I don't get how any boss, of any bank, on planet Earth, can be eligible for a bonus, yet alone actually be considering accepting one.

By my standards, a bonus is something paid on top of a normal salary, either as part of general profit sharing or because agreed special targets were met. As I understand the situation to be, banks have not made any profit, and unless each bank had as its target "complete meltdown leading to utter destruction of self", then no target could have been met either.

So just what did these men in suits have to achieve in order to qualify for millions of pounds worth of bonuses every year? Brush their hair?* Not get sacked?*

* sarcasm

(sorry this post is not as topical as it would have been had I written it last week. Been a bit busy)

CHURCH TO BETTER EXPLOIT WEDDING MARKET

2009-02-12T21:40:00.006+01:00

"We should not be seeking to encourage people to marry for the sake of the church, it's because we think we can offer something distinctive. We're not competing. We're not in it for the money or the numbers. That would lack integrity."

Yes. It would, wouldn't it.

WARNING: SLUSHY FALLS IMMINENT!

2009-02-09T22:15:00.003+01:00

"Rain is likely to turn to snow at times during this evening and overnight bringing the risk of 5 to 10cms across the Chilterns and Cotswolds. Elsewhere, slushy falls of 2 to 5cms are probable. Rain or snow will clear eastwards overnight with a slow thaw of lying snow expected. - Issued at: 1840 Mon 9 Feb"

This is the current MET office's "Flash warnings of severe or extreme weather" for the West Midlands.

I still have absolutely no idea what I am going to wake up to tomorrow.

AUSTRALIAN BUSHFIRES

2009-02-09T20:16:00.002+01:00

The prime minister, Kevin Rudd, echoed the anger of a nation yesterday when he described such actions as "mass murder". Fighting back tears, he said: "This is of a level of horror that few of us anticipated."

Utterly horrifying.

Peace and Love to everyone Down Under.

SNOW SPECIAL: CANADIANS OFF AGAIN

2009-02-02T22:47:00.003+01:00

Another Canadian laughing at us.

Not original!

You carry on love. I'll just snuggle right down here on my settee and watch the telly whilst enjoying some nice buttery toast and a hot toddy, and you go and shovel off your drive and 'get on with it'.

Sucker!

SNOW SPECIAL: LONDON IN STATE OF EMERGENCY

2009-02-02T15:09:00.003+01:00

Look, it's covering their rooftops!

Live updates from the Guardian here.

SNOW SPECIAL: MEDIA OUT OF TOUCH WITH ME

2009-02-02T14:25:00.000+01:00

WORDS NEWS PEOPLE ARE USING ABOUT THE SNOW: chaos, problems, London, disruption, lost revenue, warnings, bad, severe, closure, travel misery, hypothermia, freezing, extreme ...

WORDS ME USING: beautiful, fun, snuggles, time-off, snowmen, cozy, wahooo!, hot toddy, toasty, snowballs, snooze, snow boots, telly, cat naps ...

If your workplace* expected you in today, or won't let you go early, I hate your boss as much as you do.

*excluding important places like hospitals and oil refineries. Your country needs you.

SNOW SPECIAL: GARDEN VIEWS

2009-02-02T13:50:00.002+01:00

SNOW SPECIAL: TWO DIFFERENT RESPONSES

2009-02-02T13:46:00.001+01:00

SNOW OFF!

2009-02-02T13:35:00.003+01:00

There are two advantages that the British have over their European neighbours:

ONE: We are an island. We've got a lot of coast. Your boat crash on our coast? We take your goods. Ancient right of the British people.

TWO: We have a crap transport system. Snow? Transport system stop. The British people have time off work. Ancient rule.

Lots of British people snuggled at home today.

Wahoooo!

TV TO MAKE YOU FEEL REALLY CRAP ABOUT YOURSELF

2009-01-27T22:37:00.006+01:00

Supersized v Superskinny - 8pm C4

Trinny and Susannah Meet Their Match - 8pm ITV1

Gok Wan: Too Fat Too Young - 9pm C4

Naked - 9pm BBC3

IMPORTANT MEMO

BRITAIN, YOU ARE A BUNCH OF INADEQUATE, SELF-LOATHING, BADLY DRESSED, UNDERWEIGHT FAT BASTARDS WITH DISGUSTING HABITS SUCH AS PUTTING MAKE-UP ON YOUR FACE AND WEARING CLOTHES.

NOW TAKE EVERYTHING OFF SO THAT TV CAN SAVE YOU.

ALL HAIL THE TV PRESENTER.

YOU MUST ALLOW THEM TO HUMILIATE YOU BEFORE THE NATION TO MAKE YOU INTO SOMEONE WHO IS LESS SHIT.

OTHERWISE YOU WILL DIE.

HOLOCAUST MEMORIAL DAY

2009-01-27T18:12:00.001+01:00

I will light candles in my home tonight, as always, to mark this day.

I have also lit the candle here.

GAZA

2009-01-25T11:34:00.008+01:00

I didn't find the words for the events in Gaza and so I would like to link to Peter's post on the Trots, Reading Gaza.

"I do not want to discuss the rights and wrongs of Gaza, instead I want to write about what I see to be the main rhetorical tricks, self-deceptions and lazy arguments that were used to try and reconcile current events with previously held commitments. It is about how to read Gaza."

Reconcile current events with previously held commitments - I've been doing a lot of that. I'm a friend of Israel, and have always held the view, and still do, that Israel has a right to defend its citizens; just like any other country, most of which have less to defend themselves against. But a three week assault on Gaza, an area densely packed with civilians who cannot flee? That's defence?

And as for the BBCs decision (and now also Skys) not to broadcast appeals by the Disasters Emergency Committee, words nearly fail me again. Patronising? Ilogical? Damaging? Distracting?

You can donate at the DECs website here, or my choice as always is the Red Cross.

NEWS!

2009-01-22T16:05:00.001+01:00

UK in recession.

Why has no one mentioned this before now?

SCRIBBLES WELCOMES BACK AMERICA!

2009-01-22T00:13:00.002+01:00

PRETTY COLD

2009-01-14T08:50:00.000+01:00

This morning my car was covered in ice crystals that coated its body like a beautiful fur coat. It was so pretty. A bugger to scrape off the windows mind.

MICKEY ROURKE FOR THE NEXT JOKER

2009-01-12T19:02:00.001+01:00

Respect to Heath Ledger, but that's what I think. You saw the idea here first.

HOMEMADE LUNCH MADE HELL

2009-01-12T16:59:00.002+01:00

Mr Finn, says in today's Guardian:

"Behold the homemade sandwich; they help the environment, save you money and satisfy your craving for peanut butter and cheese."

I hope I don't cause you concern, dear reader, if I let you know that I'm not one for sandwiches for lunch at work. I like my lunch like my men; hot. And so I do regularly save a bit of last night's tea and put it in a plastic container to be heated up in the microwave at work the next day. (Just for the record, I don't do that with my man). Or, if there is lots of tea left over, I freeze quite a bit of it in plastic containers. This means that I have a bit of a menu I can choose from, rather than always having the same thing for lunch that I had for dinner the previous night. I like to shake things up a bit, you see.

This routine has advantages. Firstly, I know what I'm eating 'cause I made it. Secondly, I know it's relatively healthy, tasty and filling. Thirdly, is dirt cheap and no trouble.

But, there is a problem, and that problem is other people.

To explain - I work in a small rented office, in a smallish building occupied by other people who all work for the same place doing proper grown up jobs. We all share a kitchenette. However, they rarely use it. They sometimes make use of the kettle, but mostly they do their wining and dining over at the canteen.

Because they rarely use the kitchen facilities they seem to be of the opinion that it is wrong for anyone else to do so. Mostly, they communicate this opinion by opening windows in the kitchen and closing the kitchen door the second you've walked out of it after having left something warming in the microwave. Sometimes they have sprayed air freshener. Passive aggressive behaviour if ever it existed. They do not appreciate the aroma of my lunch, however mild and quick to dissipate, and they are so important that they must let me know this and make me feel small.

This behaviour sent me on somewhat of a learning curve. I don't find the gentle aroma of pasta in tomato sauce at all offensive, but I have had to accept that these people do, however weird that seems to me. Therefore, to save them the trouble, and keep relations cordial, I now open the window and close the kitchen door whenever I use the microwave

But then, when I thought war had been averted through diplomatic means, a new front was opened up. My colleagues also use the kitchenette and have not been as diligent as I about doing the washing-up. That's when the notes started appearing.

This put me in a difficult position, because whilst I was perfectly prepared to be responsible for the eradication of my own cooking smells, I did not want to become the kitchen bitch. I did my own washing-up, and those of others when appropriate, and that was where I drew the line. If some people did not do the washing-up, and other people did not like that, then that was their war. They could be France and Germany if they wanted, but I was Switzerland. I took my plastic box and cutlery home to be washed-up and left them to fight over the sink.

But unlike Switzerland, I have a conscious and I cared about my reputation. When the Washing-Up Versus Passive-Aggressive Notemaking battles reached terrifying heights, I realised that I was made guilty by association. The Germans didn't give a fig for my neutrality; I was either with them or against them. Walking across the office floor in the morning became embarrassing - they thought I was a dirty slob.

What seemed to be happening was that my colleagues would dump their dirty cups, plates and knives and forks into the sink at the end of the day, and being too busy to do them there and then, left them for the next day. But as we all know; tomorrow never comes. The next day, instead of making merry with the Persil, they would forget, or they wouldn't have time, or they would be off sick. And with me no longer tending to matters, the crap in the sink built up.

You can imagine how stressful this all was.

Eventually, I called for talks. Germany were not invited because they were so po-faced, but France entered into friendly dialogue. A new agreement was reached. Washing-up would be done at the moment it was placed in the washing-up bowl or it remained to fester on desks, offending nobody but ourselves.

So far, this agreement has held, apart from one embarrassing weekend event when the washing-up liquid ran out on the Friday, and I forgot to bring some in on the Monday, and then one of the Germans brought some in on the Tuesday in another grand show of passive-aggressiveness.

It would have been easier if we had done what the po-faced passive-aggressive bullies wanted us to do in the first place, and just stop using the kitchen, even though we don't have the time they do to hang around the canteen. Or maybe, if we just brought in horrible cold sandwiches in nasty supermarket packaging, that would have suited them enough. Though I doubt we would have had any thanks for it.

Instead, I chose to be peacemaker between the rightful Slobbishness and the dictatorship of Pickiness, and I did this because I like my pasta in homemade tomato sauce, I like my homemade vege shepherd's pie and my homemade vege lasagna. I like to break up my day, full of cerebral responsibility and frustration, with something hot and tasty for my senses.

But it was not at some small cost to my mental health. At work, my kitchen related behaviour is now fuelled by paranoia. I know I must get things just so or be terribly judged. This has extended to my toilet behaviour, which has of course always been impeccable, but what if I'm doing something that offends their delicate senses? What passive-aggressive behaviour will await me then? Every day, I shudder in fear at what new front they might open up. Pray for me.

WOMEN: WRONG

2009-01-09T16:30:00.000+01:00

Rachida Dati, France's Justice Minister, has set off a debate circling around whether she was RIGHT or WRONG to go back to work, five days after having a baby by Caesarian section.

I am surprised at this "debate" because I would have thought by now that it was perfectly obvious that any decision a woman makes about having children is WRONG.

If she has children when she is a teenager, she is too young, and therefore she is WRONG.

If she has them when she is in her forties, she is too old, and therefore is WRONG.

If she has children, but no job, then she has not fulfilled her potential, and therefore is WRONG.

If she has a job, then she cannot possibly give enough time to her children, and is therefore WRONG.

If she has no children at all, then she is selfish and self-denying, and therefore WRONG.

So let's stop this debate and just agree that any decision that any woman ever makes about having children is always WRONG and leave it at that.

CANADIANS: I LOVE THEM REALLY

2009-01-09T16:19:00.002+01:00

Something keeps happening in my life: Canadians telling me how well Canadians deal sub-zero temperatures in their country of lengthy durations, and how they think the English deal with milder winter weather conditions like pussys.

This year, this occurrence has happened in the form of a newspaper column from Stephen Marchent.

"Still, I can see why you're taking your cold seriously. It's a shock. And you're unprepared. You need some expertise to handle that Canadian-level chill."

He opines.

I'm going to have the last word on this subject, ever. First of all, Canadians, God love 'em, are the pussys. My brother once had a Canadian girlfriend and went to visit her and her family at Christmas. He was rarely out of a T-Shirt. Unless the place is heated to tropical degrees, Canadians don't enter. They don't survive freezing temperatures, they avoid them.

That's the first thing. The second thing is that some people in some countries really do suffer and survive sub-zero temperatures of lengthy duration. Take Ukraine, for example. The country is broke, its people dirt poor, and Russia turned off its gas supply this winter. Ukranians will not be driving around in fancy 4x4s, straight out of heated garages to go to their indoor shopping malls, and return to super-insulated homes to ponce around in outdoor tubs with their nubile neighbours.

Therefore, if I want advice about how to keep warm in cold weather I'll ask a Ukranian, and if I want to moan or just make comment about cold snaps in the British weather I will do so - and never again will any Canadian* tell me I'm a pussy.

* unless they live in a primitive wood shack in the Canadian mountains or something

CHEER YOURSELF UP - WATCH THIS CLIP

2009-01-08T13:44:00.001+01:00

Endless love, here.

MATT SMITH: NEW DOCTOR WHO

2009-01-06T18:16:00.004+01:00

The new Doctor Who doesn't work for me so far. He seems a bit poncy with stupid hair and the distracting neck of someone twice his size. He's a baby. His assistant will either have to be motherly towards him or a younger sister type. Where's the sex in that?

Nope, not liking it. More Peter Davidson than David Tennant.

Interview here.

SNOW!

2009-01-05T16:40:00.002+01:00

How fab to wake up to snow this morning! It lightened my heart laid heavy by the imminent return to work today. Everything looks so pretty and things just feel different.

I'VE HAD FLU

2009-01-04T18:13:00.003+01:00

I've had flu. All Christmas and over New Year.

I finally woke up feeling better on Friday and I am back at work tomorrow, which has given me three days proper holiday in a two week period.

I am going to spend my last evening of freedom tonight taking down the Christmas decorations.

January so better make up for this!

NICE CHRISTMAS PICTURE

2008-12-15T18:03:00.002+01:00

Nice Christmas things from here on until the big day ...

PARENTS: THE GAME IS UP

2008-12-10T20:11:00.005+01:00

You know, if there is one thing that makes a person a good person, it's them becoming a parent don't you think? Mythical qualities are bestowed to those who passed sperm into a woman or who pushed a baby out of their vagina. Parents always have their children's best interests at heart. Parents are bestowed super-human abilities to keep their children from harm. Parents would lie down their own life for their children. Parents; they are just so heroic aren't they?

After the last few weeks of news we've had about parents can we drop this bullshit now please?

You think that beautiful Baby P is the only baby to be killed by his parents? A terrifying demonstration of a one-off anomaly of nature?

"The statistics quoted by the NSPCC are that between one and two children die following cruelty every week in England and Wales and one child is killed at the hands of their parents every ten days."

And if parents aren't battering their children to death, they're having the kidnapped by a psycho for money, starving them until they die, throwing them off balconies, or gassing them.

Just to avoid any confusion, let me make it clear what I don't think. I don't think that every parent of every child is capable of maiming, starving, or murdering their off-spring. I know there are many parents who cherish their children and hold them dear to their hearts for their whole lives. I'm just saying that a lot of parents hurt their children. A lot more than we would like to admit.

The parents I am aware of through my work: No matter how bad the housing, no matter how deep the depression, no matter how violent the partner, nothing but nothing stops those babies coming. I know all about CAMHS these days.

And just in case we would like to console ourselves that child abuse is the grotty outcome wholly of poverty then I should just mention that I went to university with a whole load of wealthy middle-class kids and I have never met so many screw-ups in one place at one time. Two kids I knew of had nervous breakdowns, and a third was struck dumb for a few weeks. Do you know what left her unable to speak? During the holidays she had committed some minor transgression, I forget what now, but it was minor. As a punishment, her parents didn't speak to her for two whole days. Guess which days? Christmas Day and Boxing day. How sick would you have to be?

Worse. Take a look at these stats if you can stomach it.

But the rest of us are alright aren't we? Our parents were OK, weren't they? Not by my calculation. Google the words narcissistic mother or narcissistic father and see how many thousands and thousands of pages come up detailing the kind of under-hand, passive abuse which leaves a child with no self-esteem and robs them of their life's chances. You know people who suffered like this. You may well have suffered like this yourself.

I think we can safely say now that becoming a parent does not bestow automatic sainthood on people. If a person was cruel or self-absorbed or violent or narcissistic before they had a child, then they will be that way after they had a child, and the child will pay for it. In spades.

Around 60,000 children are in care at any one time in the UK, and that's only because the system can't hold more children. Blood relatives, great aren't they?

this post is dedicated to my mother.

DAMIAN GREEN

2008-12-03T18:27:00.006+01:00

I've held off commenting on the Damian Green saga because from the snatches of information I have been able to glean from hurriedly read Guardian online articles and the comments that flowed from them, I felt I was missing something.

For a start off, I knew not much of this 'parliamentary privilege' of which everyone was speaking. Many 'commentators', including Tory MPs, seemed to imply or assume that the privilege meant that it was an outrage that an MP could be arrested. I didn't think this could be right. Surely, I thought, no one was above the law, not even someone elected to ponce around a big fancy Victorian building to say 'here! here!'. Not even one of them. So I looked up 'Parliamentary Privilege' on Wikipedia:

"Parliamentary privilege, also known as absolute privilege, is a legal mechanism employed within the legislative bodies of countries whose constitutions are based on the Westminster system.
...

In the United Kingdom, it allows members of the House of Lords and House of Commons to speak freely before those houses without fear of legal action on the grounds of slander. It also means while a member is within the grounds of the Palace of Westminster he/she cannot be arrested on civil matters; there is no immunity from arrest on criminal grounds."

Hmmm, so it seems that an MP has no immunity from arrest on criminal grounds, not even when he's in a big fancy Victorian building. Unless I'm missing something.

But then, it's not just his arrest, but the manner of his arrest that seems to have also outraged 'commentators' and Tory MPs. As I understand it, Damian Green's arrest involved him being arrested and taken down to the police station where he remained for a several hours whilst his office and home were searched by Police.

Again, I wondered what I was missing. Arresting someone and then holding them whilst their stuff is searched for evidence would seem pretty standard stuff to me. And going back to our 'parliamentary privilege', there seems nothing in that that that declares that when Police arrest an MP they must give 14 days notice and are prohibited from gathering any evidence. Unless I'm missing something.

Ah, but then, it's what he was arrested for that is at the core at all this outrage. An MP arrested for doing his job, by getting information out to the Public that the Government wanted to hide.

But again, what am I missing? Damian Green lies accused, as I understand it, of routinely obtaining and passing classified information from the Home Secretary's private office to his party, some of which found its way into the press or was used for party political purposes. There is also the suggestion that he was not just passed this information, but that he procured it by offering inducements. Certainly there is no denial that over a period of two years one person, Christopher Galley, former Conservative Candidate and failed interviewee for a job at Green's office, was responsible for passing him more than 20 documents, which points rather more to a cosy-little-arrangement rather than considered acts of duty.

Looking once again at the 'parliamentary privilege', I see no burden placed upon MPs to seek out and continuously release classified information. Having access to information is not the same as having a duty to make sure everyone else gets to know about it too. If it was, there would be no point in 'classifying' information at all. We might just as well demand that Government Departments put everything up on a website for us all to gawp at as we like.

Damian Green was arrested for “conspiring to commit misconduct in a public office” and “aiding and abetting, counselling or procuring misconduct in a public office”. This is serious shit. He wasn't just receiving information, the accusation is one of "abetting, counselling or procuring" it (over a period of two years, from a Home Office mole trusted around classified information). He is, of course, innocent until proven guilty, but I cannot see, given the suspicions surrounding Damian Green's actions, which are something well above and beyond the everyday scheming of our parliamentarians, that there is any argument to be made against the recent Police action. Unless I'm missing something.

I also seem to be missing the whole 'noble whistle-blowing' element to Damian Green's actions. What matter of great national importance did we all benefit from? What was made better because of what he let us know? Who benefited other than his own party and immigrant-haters? No matter whether there turns out to be any criminal element to Damian Green's leaks, we are all poorer for his actions.

CAT FAIRGROUND RIDE

2008-11-29T22:15:00.004+01:00

A bit like solo dodgems.

MADONNA

2008-11-28T22:06:00.005+01:00

Dear reader, as you know how much I love Madonna, you may have been puzzled, maybe even distressed, at the fact that I haven't blogged about Madonna and Guy's recent divorce.

Please rest assured that Madonna has not been far from my thoughts at this difficult time.

Difficult time for Guy, I mean. He's had to put up with his wife denouncing him to several million people as an "emotional retard", the kids moving to a different country, his ex-wife's new lover being pararded in front of thousands of people at her concerts, and his son being pictured by the world's press wearing the outfit of this new lover's baseball team.

Presumably the Elders of Kabbalah can find a way to excuse such provocative and cruel behaviour, perhaps by way of hefty bungs from Madge and her new mega-rich boyfriend..

Can't help thinking that Madonna tried on Being British, like it was an outfit to pop on or off as she pleased. It must have looked like so much fun to a rich America. A massive fairground full of grown-up games like grouse hunting, riding, and poncing around big old creaky country houses.

And Guy - what a change it must have been for her to meet someone who treated her like an actual human being rather than a novelty fuck.

I always hoped it would last between them. Listen to her Music album and you could deduce that she felt Guy was somehow her deserving reward. This guy was meant for me. I deserve it. Reading what is regarded to be the definitive account of her life, Madonna, by Randy Taraborrelli, it was like he brought an end to a long phase of her personal life that had been sullied and devoid of meaning. Now she had a family to come home to.

But, no. She had her fill. Wanted to move on. You can say what you like about Guy but from where I'm sitting he never changed. Madonna just changed her mind about wanting what he had to offer. I wonder if she'll ever regret that decision.

INDIA

2008-11-28T21:41:00.002+01:00

Last weekend we had the parents-in-law around for lunch. Mother-in-law told us how they had finally planned their India trip. She's wanted to go since she was a girl, but despite being well travelled, she's always put it off for one reason or another. But now they were finally going, spending a couple of months travelling all around the country to places I had never heard of, other than Mumbai.

During the week, I had a phone conversation with my brother-in-law. He was off to Indian in a couple of weeks time. I said to him, that if I didn't speak to him again before he went, to have a good time.

Now, of course, none of them are going anymore. Like thousands of others, I would guess. But then, that would be part of the point wouldn't it? Make it too dangerous for people to visit. Kill off the beating heart of an emerging economy. Destroy, annihilate, massacre, ruin. It's sickening. It always is.

THE END OF THE WORLD, AGAIN

2008-11-24T23:07:00.007+01:00

I never did comment on the most excellent drama Dead Set. It's creator, Charlie Brooker, can do no wrong anyway in my eyes. I only survive Monday mornings because of his scribblings in the Guardian.

Anyway, Dead Set was dead good. It was an original concept. True, I have had a couple of conversations over the years about the contestants in the Big Brother house surviving an apocalypse they were oblivious to, but never had I added zombies to the scenario and then made a TV drama out of it.

My relationship with the living dead began with Playstation game Resident Evil in 1996. The joy, oh the joy, of having that thing shuffle slowly towards you as you stood patiently with your shotgun aimed right between its eyes. So to have zombies placed in the context of something as familiar as the Big Brother TV series, in a thing written by Brooker, was always going to be entertainment enough for me. A funny, comical and very very gory way to kill off humanity.

Now we have the BBC's new drama series, Survivors, where 90% of the world's population is killed off by a virus. Apart from the fact that of course, it isn't new. It's based on the classic 1970s TV series of the same name.

Survivors, unfortunately, doesn't have zombies in it. In this new series, people just seem to go to sleep with a bit of a cold and then not wake up. A few of them do it in hospital corridors, but most seem to die very neatly in their beds at home. This is probably how it would happen because when people have flu, they go to bed, but as End Of The World scenarios go, it's a bit boring. I would have preferred to see people running around screaming with their skin turning green whilst they vomited endless steams of black bile.

I would also have preferred not to have seen a bright, gleaming, empty city, devoid of dead bodies and traffic chaos. In the original series, it is clear that the survivors of the virus have had to leave the cities because they are awash with fatal diseases feeding off the juices of the dead. In Sunday night's episodes it was obvious that you could quite happily live in a city. Choice of penthouse, looting from Selfridges, easy commute to work what with everyone else being too dead to use public transport.

But the one thing an apocalyptic drama must have their characters do is traipse around the country. In real life, if there were mad zombies out there, or a killer cold bug, you'd bloody well stay at home wouldn't you? But that wouldn't make for great TV - woman wanders about her house looking a bit apprehensive as she peeps through windows. So the creators of the drama have to come up with reasons as to why their characters have to leave their home.

In both versions of Survivors, the main character Abbey has to leave her home to go to her son. Other characters that Abbey later meets have had to leave the cities because of the piles of rotting dead bodies covering the streets.

But the characters in the new series seem to have woken up one morning, realised that everyone is dead, and decided that the best thing to do would be to pack a bag and wander off.

Luckily, all of them bump into each other by the end of the first episode. At least, I would have thought myself lucky. I mean, imagine it, over a period of three days, everyone you know and love has died. Your neighbours are dead. The Government. The World. All dead. That would probably take some getting used to. You'd also probably fall to your knees and cling to the legs of the next living human being you set your eyes upon in desperate relief.

But these characters seem to have absorbed the reality of the situation and decided what to do with relative ease. Then, when they meet other people who have also survived, some of them just want to get off and do their own thing. This takes the tension away somewhat. If they can't be bothered to worry about the End Of The World as we know it, then I'm not going to worry about it for them.

But of course, Episode One is just scene setting and character introducing. Hopefully they will be reprising the spirit of the original series and really picking our minds about just what it would mean to suddenly lose all the advances in technology, science, medicine, trade, and consumer goods, and have modern man/woman return to the stone age. My main worry would be what to do when all the supplies of soap and toothpaste ran out, but hopefully that's just me.

One thing that has been lost in translation from original series to the new, is the demographics of the original survivors. In the 1970s, your only chance of surviving a killer virus was to be terribly middle-class and white, now at least black people and people with accents are allowed to survive too. And, much as I love and adore Paterson Joseph, by Jove am I going to miss the Greg from the original series; humourless alpha-male and wearer of tight clothes, I honour you.

LEST WE FORGET

2008-11-11T08:55:00.001+01:00

What passing-bells for these who die as cattle?
Only the monstrous anger of the guns.
Only the stuttering rifles' rapid rattle
Can patter out their hasty orisons.
No mockeries now for them; no prayers nor bells;
Nor any voice of mourning save the choirs, –
The shrill, demented choirs of wailing shells;
And bugles calling for them from sad shires.
What candles may be held to speed them all?
Not in the hands of boys but in their eyes
Shall shine the holy glimmers of goodbyes.
The pallor of girls' brows shall be their pall;
Their flowers the tenderness of patient minds,
And each slow dusk a drawing-down of blinds.

BARACK OR BARARK?

2008-11-05T19:46:00.004+01:00

Issue. If we're going to expect Barack Obama to solve every problem on earth*, then I think we should at least have the decency to be consistent with how we pronounce his name.

The man himself, I have noted, pronounces his name in a sensual drawl:

Barr ark Obarmar

This sounds lovely in his creamy voice and American accent, but when you hear a posh Radio 4 voice say it that way it sounds silly. It sounds like they are avoiding calling him Barack because it sounds too working class. Like how posh people say gararge rather garage or grarse rather than grass.

I think it should be as seen:

Barack Obama

I think he would want it that way.

* Mr Obama is a bit of a smoothy, I do hope he is going to apply himself and not spend too much time in piano bars drinking daiquiris.

BARACK OBAMA IN ANIMAL WELFARE SHOCKER

2008-11-05T19:35:00.004+01:00

In Mr Obama's victory speech, I was astounded to hear him say this to his daughters:

"Sasha and Malia, I love you both so much, and you have earned the new puppy that's coming with us to the White House."

It's really not a good idea to buy a puppy just before a house move. Better to buy one after Christmas, when the animal can be introduced into a more settled environment.

Rest of the speech was OK though.

PISSED OFF WITH RICH PEOPLE

2008-11-02T15:34:00.015+01:00

I am currently pissed off with THE UNDESERVING RICH and would like to start a revolution. In the first instance, I thought to draw up a list of people I consider to be the enemy. Feel free to make suggestions.

THE UNDESERVING RICH HIT LIST

General:

Tory pensioners who spend their Winter Fuel Allowance on things other than their gas bill, because they don't need the money.

Stockbrokers.

Anyone who owns a three or more berth boat, or a yacht of any berth, for the purposes of pleasure.

Londoners who own a second "home" (farmhouse with ten acres) in any place where house prices have been pushed up by Londoners buying second homes.

Women who have earned their money by getting their tits out for the lads.

Anyone who is a tax exile.

The sons and daughters of the rich/famous who have made their living by being the son or daughter of the rich/famous.

Anyone who got their career break because they are the son or daughter of someone famous.

Gas/electric company executives.

Anyone selling oil.

Anyone paid lots for doing "work" that adds nothing of benefit to the UK.

Specific:

Lilly Allen
Richard Littlejohn
Paris Hilton
Paul Dacre
Rebekah Wade
The script writer of Eastenders
Peaches and Pixie Geldoff
Phil Bentley
Kelly Osbourne
Vernon Kay
The Royal Family
Craig Revel Horwood

THE BRAND AND ROSS DEBACLE POST

2008-11-02T14:48:00.005+01:00

What a funny thing this week's event has been. Look at it from different angles and it takes on a different shape.

The conclusion is:

Brand and Ross are a pair of over-paid tossers, who have been pissing all over the spirit of the BBC for years, who have finally been caught out, and for who hanging would be too good.

OR

The BBC has grown into such an arrogant institution that it thinks it can pay two juvenile delinquents millions of tax payers money for their puerile outpourings, not think to edit their shit, and then fail to realise that it needs to apologise until 30,000 people have complained.

OR

This is a clash of generations, with most people over 35 thinking that there are lines to be drawn, even in comedy, and most of the younger generation finding comedians who step over that line hilarious.

OR

Media types are jealous of Brand and Ross's commercial and financial success and have kept the story going because they are enjoying giving their colleagues a good kicking; ala Gambaccini.

OR

This is a witch-hunt orchestrated by the right-wing press, who, eager for the day when Terry and June return to our screens, have been waiting for their to have a go at the BBC and string up their nemesis, the new comedian, for years.

OR

The 30,000 people who complained about the radio program, who did not listen to the original recording when it went out, who went out of their way to listen and read about material that could cause offence, are a sad bunch of arseholes who really need to get a life.

OR

The 30,000 people who complained about the radio program, who did not listen to the original recording when it went out, who went out of their way to listen and read about material that could cause offence, are fucked off, in these recession riddled times, with people who get paid excessive amounts of money without doing anything seemingly significant to earn it.

OR

It's a sad day when a blogger writes a post about an overblown story about two silly comedians, when a massive humanitarian disaster is building up once more in the Congo.

DAVID CAMERON: CONSPIRACIST

2008-10-17T18:56:00.004+02:00

Cameron attempts to get the country to think that the world wide economic crash was Brown's fault.

Other things Brown is responsible for:

Faking the USA moon landings
Shergar's disappearance
The Jack the Ripper killings
The Roswell UFO incident
JFK's assassination
9/11
Princess Diana's accident
The Philadelphia Experiment
The disappearance of the Princes in the Tower
Cattle mutilation
The reintroduction of the Wispa chocolate bar

DOOR. BOLTED. HORSE.GONE.

2008-10-17T07:45:00.004+02:00

FSA decides it needs to get "heavier" with the banks.

No shit!

TORIES: UTTERLY IRRELEVANT

2008-10-15T20:56:00.003+02:00

If I were a cartoonist, do you know what cartoon I would be doing right now? I'd be drawing this huge towering gruff figure of Gordon Brown in a crumpled grey suit, and at his feet there would be the ant-size figures of Cameron and Osbourne, in little boys' outfits, shooting peas at him through a pea-shooter.

Because that's how it has been. On the one hand Cameron's line has been that the Tories are supporting the Government because 'that's the sensible thing to do at a time like this' (meaning, we haven't a clue). But then Osbourne had obviously been tasked with taking political pot-shots by saying really dumb things about Gordon creating this bust after the boom, and how it's all about house prices (meaning, I really haven't a clue)

Is there anybody in this country who seriously thinks that we wouldn't be getting paid in coloured pebbles this month if these pair had been in charge?

Actually, had this happened under a Cameron government I think he would have just fucked off in his yacht somewhere remote and left a note for Gordon asking him to deputise for a while. We'd probably have found Osbourne weeping by the side of some road, sucking his thumb and asking for nanny.

People of Britain, get down on your knees and thank your lucky stars that when everyone else was running around losing their heads, we had Gordon Brown.

EVEN NEWER CRISIS

2008-10-15T20:30:00.000+02:00

Unemployment. How retro. Takes me right back. Will have to dust off my old UB40 album and play One in Ten to get me in the mood.

These new job insecurity fears have been throwing up all sorts of mouldy memories from the 1980s. I can remember the first time my dad came home and told mom he was being made redundant; my mom gave out this sort of anamalistic cry of surprise that I've never forgotten. Of course, because my dad worked in manufacturing, and this was the Thatcher Years, he was made redundant several times over the next few years. It was horrible. The stress of him having to sign-on and find a job amongst hundreds of other men looking for exactly the same type of work. And I'd completely forgotten how horrible it all was until the invisible fairy dust that The Banks trade in flew away, and suddenly my husband's job felt at risk.

There is an upside to all this however. The Media have something else to scare the shit out of us all with now, after the World Wide Financial Crisis story began to wear a bit thin. There is only so many times you can turn on the radio and hear someone say that overnight things had got incredibly, hugely, shockingly more catastophic than yesterday, before you start to want to cut off your own ears with a blunt saw and eat them with some fava beans and a nice chianti.

At least now they can go back to predicting how catastrophocally bad things are going to be, rather than how catastrophically bad things are. Change is as good as a rest.

NEW CRISIS

2008-10-13T17:32:00.003+02:00

The journalism Cliche Crunch.

THE DEAD ARE RISING UP TO KILL US ALL

2008-10-12T22:17:00.005+02:00

But it's OK.

Big Brother contestants will survive ...

CREDIT CRUNCH V FEELING THE PINCH

2008-10-07T22:38:00.006+02:00

How thick are broadcasters in this country?

Dear reader, you may recall my previous confusion over this whole Credit Crunch business and how I figured out all on my little own that this was a separate phenomena to the Feeling the Pinch situation occurring because of rising oil prices affecting petrol, energy bills and food prices.

Why then, I ask, am I still regularly hearing on our TV and Radio station broadcasters/journalists/presenters/commentators frothing forth about how we are all feeling the Credit Crunch.

No we are fucking not.

Banks are feeling the Credit Crunch. We are Feeling the Pinch.

Constituent phones me. She wants the council to put her a bigger fence up. Council say no, if she wants bigger fence she'll have to pay for it herself. How can she afford that, she asked me in all earnestness, how can she afford that with this Credit Crunch on? I wanted to ask her whether she was a bank or building society.

The level of reporting of this whole business through the TV and Radio has been lamentable at best and dangerously irresponsible at its worse. Keep telling people enough times that they have no money and they'll start to believe you. Then they'll stop buying things. Then there'll be a recession.

In a way, the media is like the global financial system itself. If anyone tries to regulate it, it has a tantrum a two year old child with ADHD would be proud of. But left to its own devices it can do little but act in its own interest, over-selling stories to bring up their stock, to no one's benefit but their own.

CAMERON'S SPEECH

2008-10-01T22:30:00.000+02:00

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

ADVICE

2008-10-01T22:26:00.001+02:00

From here

Relax! I just hate city workers right now!

CALLING ALL THATCHERITE AND RIGHT-WING LIBERTARIANS

2008-09-30T16:54:00.000+02:00

Sign here

An Acknowledgement: Draft 0.9

For much of the past thirty years, there has been a consensus that deregulated capitalism provides a just moral framework. One that promotes fairness, efficiency and social progress.
I have been a vocal supporter of this position. I have opposed improvements to welfare safety-nets on the grounds that they would interfere with the workings of the markets. I have advocated a ‘meritocracy’ in which we all enjoy the rewards of our enterprise and take the consequences of our mistakes.

For decades, I have stood by while millions of people who were not born with my material advantages have been forced to bend over and take it like a man while I have continued to enjoy the fruits of my advantaged start in life. I have always argued that poverty is, at least in part, the consequence of irresponsibility and poor judgement, and that to relieve that poverty would be to reward these shortcomings.

I have always reassured myself that the iron laws of the market show that there is no fairer way of organising human relations.

Furthermore, I have argued that taxation is, somehow, almost a form of theft, and that no situation is so bad that it isn’t made worse by government intervention.

I am now happy to concede that the leading lights of modern capitalism are the more deserving of the label ‘thieving bastards’ than anyone else alive. In a month in which people such as myself have received the kind of bail-out that I have refused to countenance for others who are less advantaged than ourselves, I am now willing to concede that I am - and have for a long time been - a worthless cheating parasite of the highest order.

If the families of the unemployed have suffered terribly over the years for their relatively minor lack of responsibility or good judgement, then in a fair world, I would be spending the next couple of decades up to my eyeballs in raw sewage for the wanton irresponsibility and stupidity that I have long advocated.

If I had even an ounce of honour, I would retire to my study with a generic bottle of blended scotch and a revolver in order to relieve those around me of the burden of having to gaze upon my hypocritical countenance for a moment longer.

But failing that, I now, at least, have the decency to acknowledge that a generous universal safety net funded out of general taxation would be a minimal concession to make given the huge bailout that democratic governments have handed to the leading institutions of capitalism.

Furthermore, I am now prepared to accept that the kind of market liberalism that I have advocated for many years is entirely impractical in a modern democracy - and that effective liberal democracy is the only thing that stopped the entire population of my country, and it’s neighbours, from suffering the consequences of my long-standing stupidity, greed and dishonesty. I now concede that elected governments, and not larcenous shitheads such as myself, should drive public policy for the forseeable future.

Signed: ………………………………………..
Name: ………………………………………. (block capitals please)
Date: ………………………………………..

THE CURRENT ECONOMIC CRISIS: CAPITALISM WILL EAT ITSELF

2008-09-29T21:15:00.002+02:00

Do you know "the elephant and the group of blind people" story? It goes like this: A group of blind people get the chance to touch an elephant. Afterwards, each describes the elephant. One person describes the elephant as being a long, wiggly thing that hangs down and has a soft grappling mouth at the end. Another describes the elephant as being like a tree trunk. Another describes the elephant as being like a long, sharp, smooth rounded tooth.

I think the global economic situation is like an elephant and bankers are blind people who only know their bit of an elephant. None of them understand the whole animal.

That's why no one can say exactly why we are in this stupid situation where we are having to give money to banks, or how we get out of it. The Human brain is too small to compute the entirety of the massively complex global financial system. The whole thing is a triumph of human co-operation, but that means that no one person, or group of persons, understands how it all works. No one person is in charge.

And at the moment it seems to me that no one is in charge of America - that whirlpool of financial chaos that's churning up the financial waters of the rest of the world. Bush is stuck because he can't take military action against a financial system, and for the country's next president there's a choice between a man whose voice has not long broken or one who pops his teeth into a glass of water every night and probably has bed baths.

None of them has the guts to tell America that it has got to stop being so scared of this 'sliding towards socialism' nonsense, bite the goddamn bullet and loan its banks billions of pounds they need. Americans would soon learn that it will not be the first step towards communism. It will be the first step towards mopping the fevered brow of capitalism.

I'll do it if no one else will. Although, if Hettie Jacques is still alive, I think she should.

Failing that, I think we should take the second home of every banker and give them to the less well-off who were priced out of their own villages by the wankers from the city. Then the bankers should be put in the stocks and have stale focaccia thrown at them before being dragged to the Halifax Gibbet (oh, the irony). Imagine how much fun we would all have distributing their wealth.

Then we should all learn the words to The Internationale and have a good old singalong ...

Arise, wretched of the earth
Arise, convicts of hunger
Reason thunders in its volcano
This is the eruption of the end
Of the past let us wipe the slate clean
Masses, slaves, arise, arise
The world is about to change its foundation

etc...

AMY WINEHOUSE

2008-09-28T14:12:00.004+02:00

Why hasn't Amy Winehouse been arrested? Her home is the UK's, if not the world's most famous drug den. Why is such latent illegal activity tolerated? Why haven't police raided her place and thrown all the rags of humanity found therein into the nearest jail? How much longer do we have to watch Amy's barely warm corpse running around London. Someone arrest it and put a stop to it, for all our sakes.

AN E-MAIL FROM GORDON BROWN

2008-09-23T21:20:00.000+02:00

Today I spoke about who I am, what I believe and why I'm determined to lead this Party and this great country. Because together we need to build a fair Britain for the new age.

I give you this assurance - no ifs, no buts, no small print - my unwavering focus is taking this country through the challenging economic circumstances we face and building the fair society for our future.

Today I told Conference that from next year those fighting cancer will no longer pay prescription charges; that we will offer more free nursery places to two year olds; that a million families will be given financial help to get online; and that any child who falls behind in primary school has a guaranteed right to catch up tuition. And for the first time in our history we will introduce legislation that enshrines in law our commitment to end child poverty.

Never for get that every single blow we have struck for fairness and for the future has been opposed by the Conservatives.

At every stage they have opposed a fairer Britain - no paternity leave, no New Deal, no Bank of England independence, no Sure Start, no devolution, no civil partnerships, no minimum wage, no new investment in the NHS, no new nurses, no new police, no new schools - we did mend the roof while the sun was shining.

Their strategy is to change their appearance, to give the appearance of change, and to conceal what they really think - and when salesmen won't tell you what they are selling, it's because they are selling something no-one should buy.

Just imagine where we'd be if they'd been in a position to implement their beliefs - no rescue of Northern Rock, no action on speculation, no protection for mortgages, doing nothing to stop banks going under.

Everyone knows that I'm all in favour of apprenticeships, but let me tell you this is no time for a novice.

In these uncertain times we will be the rock of stability and fairness upon which people stand.

The fair society. Fairness at home. Fairness in the world - that's the new settlement for new times.

I know what I believe. I know who I am. I know what I want to do in this job. And I know the way to deal with tough times is to face them down.

Stay true to your beliefs. Together we are building the fair society in this place and in this generation.

The mission of our times - the fair society, the cause that drives us on - and we will win, not for the sake of our party, together we will win for the future of the country.

GORDON BROWN SPEECH: LIVE BLOGGING

2008-09-23T15:28:00.011+02:00

A fair Britain for the new age. OK. What does that mean?
Joke about being popular. Stop smiling Gordon. It's not you.
Now ripping off Sarah Palin's speech about why he was elected - for the people stoopid.
Gordon gets angry. He knows the difference between right and wrong.
Talking about his kids now. Trying to get us to see him as human.
The 10p issue stung him. Stung me too. In the pocket. Fair play for bringing it up though.
I think he should stop pausing for applause so often, it's breaking things up too much.
Camera on Miliband. Poor chap.
Uncertain times, we must be, we will be the rock of stability and fairness upon which people can stand. Hmm. OK.
Moral purpose - serving people on middle and modest incomes, we are on your side. Hmm.
Security for all, fair chances for all, fair rules applied to all. Hmm. Fair is new buzz word.
Judgement and values. Labour are pro things. Pro-market party.
Hard work, effort and enterprise. Doesn't sound much fun.
Is it me, or do he keep saying the word "sex"?
Markets cannot deliver it all on their own. Hasn't been to the Bullring indoor and outdoor markets then, you can get bloody everything.
Economy Economy Economy. Financial world to be rebuilt. Lots of meetings. OK.
Hard work, effort and enterprise again. Get the party started.
Rise in global population and rise in need of fuel - end oil dictatorship and something about the climate change. 80% cut in carbon reductions by some far off date. No problem. 1 million new jobs somehow.
The word "fair" again.
Mentions fuel allowance and insulation payments. Tories never did it.
Harry Potter joke. Ha ha.
Tougher choices to make. Value for money from our taxes. Good. OK. Economy again and public spending.
Stop smiling man! We don't need it from you!
"This can be a British Century" OK. What's that?
Economy again. But also about community changes. Anti-social behaviour. Ah! The Law and Order bit!
Now security and dignity for all pensioners.
Children, now. We will be the party of the family.
The word "fair" coming up alot again.
Challange of new times demands progressive government. Yup. This country needs a Laboutr government. Doesn't deserve it though.
Government record now.
Missing Tony Blair. Loved his speeches. He didn't raise his voice and pause for applause at the end of every other sentence.
Personalising Labours achievements, very good. Talking about dads and grans and taking people up the aisle. Very impressive. Finally feel he means it. Big long round of applause. Crowd thought so too.
Fairness is in our DNA.
Soul of our party. Love it!
Big applause again.
New wave of rising social mobility. Develop all the talents of all the people. I'm screwed then. I really have no useful talents.
Hard work, effort and enterprise again. Oh dear, must we?
Harriet Harmon gets a thanks. She seems v pleased.
Ed Miliband gets a mention too! Bless!
John Denham, Ruth Kelly, John Hutton.
Big change - punlic servies: must be unoversal, available but now also personal to each. Investing in children. oooh, what's this? excited! Beverly Hughes, Children's Centres in every area and free nursery care for 3 and 4 yrs old. Now will be taylored to needs of child. Starting in 30 communities, stage by stage, intriduce free nurswry care for 2 year olds. Thought we already had that?
Lifting children out of poverty. 2020 child poverty will be gone. Not if some parents keep spending child benefit on drugs and fags it won't.
Pace of reform ins chools to be kept up. Good.
Fairness again. Excellence demanded. Every child will leave primary school able to read and write. Gaurenteed right to personal tuition for cacth-up. Wow! Iam liking this.
Crap schools will go. OK
Internet - will fund over extra million families to get on-line,s o can take part in broadband future. What?
NHS staff are thanked. Hopefully not the shit ones I've come across in my time. Big applause and standing ovation. Not entirely sure what for. Must have missed something.
Labour is the party of the NHS.
Personal mission. His eye story again. His eye sight was saved by NHS. Mine too!
Lowest ever waiting times in whole history of NHS. Fuck you Tories!
In April, free helaht check-ups for evey one over 40. That is fantastic. That really is very good. Fuck you Bupa.
Now saying how it is easier to see GP because of longer opening hours. Always had my support that one.
Medical research now. Subject close to my heart. Billion pounds of investment to turn research into treatment and cures. Wow! Love it. Can think of two conditions I'd like him to look at.
From next yr, cancer sufferers will not pay prescription charges. OK.
BIG applause.
The word's fair twice.
Heading towards abolishing prescription charges for everyone with long term conditions! WoW! Wow! Wow!
Equality for female pensioners now. Social care. New plans to help people to stay longer n their own homes> Excellent. The fairness older people deserve. Yup!
Our ideas are the ideas that will realise the hopes for a beter future. Have to say, on what he has pledged, would have to agree. There are casues worth fighting for. A future worth fighting for. Agree! Agree!
New responsibility now, a nothing for nothing thing. Every one who can should work. Boo! What if I win the lottery? Do I still have to work because I can? Don't like.
Justice system reform - putting victims first. Oh God. No. Don't like it. Whatever.
Freedom from persecution. Welcoming new commers but being tough about those who want to come here and doss about. Fairness, you see. OK.
Tory attack time. A list of all the things that wouldn't have happened under them, that happened under Labour
Love him Love him Love him! "We fixed the roof whilst the sun was shining".
Standing ovation!
Attacking what Tories would have done over economy.
Wow! The man is furious about Osborne! Just look where we would have been! Look at what they would have done! Yes! Yes!
"This is no time for a novice"
Wow! This man is god. He really mewant that. He really enjoyed that.
Tory ruthless strategy. Salesmen.
He's enjoying this.
Tory public spending cuts. £1 billion Labour are giving to the rural poor will be given byt the Tories to the rich estates. More axing stories. Tories will betaking Sure Starts from the children. Our greatest gift to children, they will taek.
Tory policies - have nothing to offer, Tories still prisoners of their past. We know it. Look beneath their surface. The Tories have changed their tune, nit their minds. This country has never been broken by any one or anything. Fascism, Cold War, Terrorism. British people arw great.
Olympics now. Pride.
Britain is the best country in the world.
He's really into his speech. He really means all this.
Devolution.
Armed Forces. The Best.
Europe now. Love Europe. Especially Paris.
Justice and democracy in Burma, Zimbabwe and Darfur. Peace in Middle East (good luck with that one).
Rwanda. Touching. Genuinely touching. Labour will not stand by. Children will not go unheard. We will speak up for them. Very touching.
Fair society. New times.
I know what I believe. I know who I am. I know what I want to do in this job.
Face tough times down.
All worht it, if doing this job I make life better ... wow, he's done it for me now.
Tough times strengthen our resolve.
Incredible now. Best speech I have ever heard from him. together we are building the fair society.
We will win for the sake of our country. Thank you very much.

SCRIBBLES ON... VEGETARIANISM

2008-09-22T20:35:00.000+02:00

I haven't eaten meat or poultry for about seven years now. I've noticed during that time that some people who do eat meat and poultry feel I owe them an explanation as to why I don't eat what they do. They also want to know why I eat fish. And how come I still consume milk and cheese. And are those leather shoes I'm wearing.

The thinking goes like this - does not eat meat/poultry - is a vegetarian - obliged to observe consistent ethical code - eats fish, drinks semi-skimmed, has leather boots - doesn't observe code correctly - owes me an explanation.

And so, for the first time, in writing, should you be interested, here's an explanation of why certain things for me are off the menu:

I don't eat meat or poultry because I came to realise that I didn't feel comfortable doing so. I noticed that I was choosing not to cook with meat/poultry and did not choose meat/poultry when eating out. I was only eating meat/poultry when others cooked for me, and in order to eat the dish, I found myself having to try really really hard not to think about the fact that I wasn't eating mammal or bird. I didn't like the idea (really really didn't like the idea) that I was eating something that once lived and felt.

On top of my own emotional responses, I was reading stuff about about animal farming, and the suffering inherent in it, and about how a meat diet was the cause of so many health problems in humans, and about how the unprecedented meat production of modern times was screwing up the environment in a massive way, and eventually I came to the conclusion that there was no reason for eating meat/poultry that was anywhere near as good as the any reason for not eating meat/poultry.

No, not even a bacon sandwich with ketchup squared up against animal cruelty, cancer and survival of the planet.

As for fish, I've pondered many a time why I don't mind eating fish. I can eat a fish and think about it swimming about and being caught and killed, and you know what, no emotional response. I chomp away. It feels entirely normal to eat yummy fishes. Sea Bream. Mmmm.

The reason that I don't have an emotional response, I think, is that fish, as far as I am aware, do not have emotions themselves. Fish don't feel maternal towards their young, they don't recognise kindness, they don't experience fear. Cows, however, and pigs and sheep and chickens and things do. Just the same as the cats who live as part of my family and the pet dogs I've loved over the years.

If you think about it, there are animals that you, dear meat eater, might not like to eat because of an emotional response. Perhaps you'd balk at the idea of eating part of a parrot, or an elephant or a horse, just because of some instinct that these creatures shouldn't be eaten. That's why in Britain Tescos doesn't stock Labrador mince. The British don't eat dogs.

Or perhaps you would. Perhaps you are one of that small group of humans who are so carnivorous that if all the animals died you'd eat your own hand if the only other choice for dinner was carrots.

Even so, most of us have animals that we will eat and animals that we won't. You might not eat a jungle animal, he wouldn't eat fido and felix, I don't like eating any living creatures at all. Apart from fishes.

I am not a vegetarian and I don't call myself one. I suppose you could call me a pescetarian, but any such labelling runs the risk of people assuming that I have an ethical code that I am obliged to answer hostile questions about at length.

I also don't eat celery, liquorish, marzipan and will avoid if possible almonds and lettuce, but no one challanges me on those choices. If you've managed to read a blog post of this length, why not let STS readers know what you like and don't like to eat. And no rude answers.

WHY DON'T I LIVE IN AUSTRALIA?

2008-09-22T18:35:00.000+02:00

I was just watching New Life Down Under, or whatever it's called, when a British family get to check out what life would be like if they lived in Australia. In every case, life would be better down there. Better weather, better parking, better value housing, better education, better wages, better transport system.

The place seems safer, bigger, warmer, drier, more fun. City living, coastal town, country. All of it. Better than here.

So I was thinking, why don't I go and live there. Have come up with:

a) cats wouldn't like to travel that far
b) too far from Paris
c) would miss varied UK architecture

Deal breakers. Perhaps I'll go on holiday to Sydney one day though.

MADONNA TURNS UP

2008-09-13T14:41:00.005+02:00

Right after the two hours travelling, the two hours wandering about, the hour queuing and the three hours waiting (as documented in my previous post), Madonna came on stage to the song Candy Shop.

The stage was too low. Most people on the pitch I doubt could actually see her on stage. We had to rely a lot on the screens, which seemed oddly small and low-set too. Suggestion: next time Wembley, make the stage higher and the screens bigger. Otherwise some people might as well just stand waiting outside their own houses for three hours before entering their living room to begin bopping to a Madonna DVD on their TV.

Well, not quite. Actually, I doubt there is another experience to be had on earth that is anything quite like a Madonna concert. No other human being does what she does.

It was incredible.

It's like she's finally figured out what she's about. No more silly lyrics and flashing her bits and courting controversy. She seems to have realised that she is actually some kind of human shop where people come to get all sorts of fun and tasty things. Slurp up those super human looks of hers, breathe in that air of pure pop, feel that injection of energy from a catchy tune.

So many highlights; The 'It's Britney Bitch' clip, the grunge version of Borderline, her playing the guitar on Miles Away, She's Not Me, when she pranced around tormenting versions of her formal self on stage.

Most incredible part of the night was the videos you've probably heard about. 'Bad' video clips (with John McCain), then 'good' video clips (with Barack Obama), before Timberland bursts onto the screens with the spine-tingling start to 4 Minutes. The crowd really lost it then.

As it happens, the 'bad' video clips were quite upsetting, with images of dead and dying humans and animals. I get what she was trying to say in this section, but do such images of real pain have a place at a pop concert?

Then she finishes up with Give It To Me, and we so have. The crowd has given it up to her to the point of exhaustion. Probably not enough to completely satisfy her ego, but then that's a good thing. It means that she has to go on and on and on and on.

(with thanks to Mr Scribbles for providing me with the best birthday present of my life so far. You must love me)

WAITING FOR MADONNA

2008-09-13T13:18:00.005+02:00

Do you remember when you were an teenager and you knew every song in the top 20? And do you remember when you found a song or an album that you liked and you would play it again and again and again until your mom banged on your bedroom door and told you that if you didn't stop, she'd throw your record player out the window?

I'd forgotten about that affliction until Madonna's Hard Candy album. Not for many many years have I come across an album that is so addictive that if I go more than three and a half hours without listening to it, I start to get the shakes. I have to get up at 3am every morning to have a sweet fix.

When I saw the set list for the Sticky and Sweet tour then, which was heavy with songs from her new album, how excited was I? I was going to get to listen to Madonna's Hard Candy album being played really really loud, and no mother was going to come knocking on no door.

Ace or what, man?

Only thing is, I'm not actually a teenager any more. I've just turned 36 years of age. Going to see Madonna at her Wembley tour date last Thursday would mean a lot of walking and standing around. Would these old bones be able to take it?

Wembley didn't help me out there. The doors were supposed to open at 5pm, but when Mr Scribbles and I wandered over to the stadium from a nearby pub at about 5.30ish, the doors were still closed. This meant that huge queues were already forming. Mr Scribbles had the additional problem that there were announcements saying that 'large objects' could not be taken inside the stadium and he said he feared he'd be stopped because of his large penis.

In the end, we stood for half an hour before the doors were open and the queue started to move. Mr Scribbles' penis passed unnoticed inside his jeans and he was allowed in. Once inside, I queued for the ladies loo. Then I queued for a drink.

We got about an hour's respite sitting on the pitch before the 'support act' started and we all had to stand up. DJ Paul Oakenfield played some songs. Whatever they paid him it wasn't enough. Not everyone would be able to stand there and play one song after another for half an hour. Breathtaking skill.

Then the lights came up again and all we had to do was wait for Her Madgesty to turn up. 8pm came and went. We carried on waiting. Nothing else to do. The skies darkened. We waited.

8.30pm came and went. The top tier of the stadium got a Mexican wave going. Then one of the other tiers got a slow hand clap going. Meanwhile, we carried on waiting. I started to get the odd impression that I had always been there, standing on that pitch, staring at those two great big M's either side of a black stage that heaved with lighting rigs. Had always been there, would always be there.

Despite the fact that the crowd were mostly British, people started talking to the strangers next to them, such was the desperation. Suddenly, at about 9pm, the guy standing next to me, who appeared to have come on his own, and whose picture I had taken for him with one of the great big stage M's in the background, turned in my direction and said in a tone of soul-shaking awe GWYNETH PALTROW IS BEHIND YOU!

I swear, dear reader, if Jesus Christ had risen out of the ground there and then amongst us all, there couldn't have been more reverence in his voice.

As it was, Gwyneth Paltrow was enough, and she had brought Kate Hudson with her. They had arisen out of a small tent just behind where we were standing. They stood there, like royalty stand in the royal box at the theatre so everyone can see them and adore them. And we so did. We all fell over ourselves to stare and take their picture and stare.

I was so excited I had to eat my Mars Bar to shore up my blood sugar levels. Kate Hudson, poor girl, looked terrified and soon sat down. Hollywood Royalty are used to space on a red carpet and polite paparazzi behind barriers, kiss-arse interviews and unknown people seen only through the black-outed windows of limos. And here, within touching distant, were thousands of tired, slightly hysterical British people. I felt for her.

Gwinny, however, looked right at home. I'm assuming that's because she has practice of such terrifying situations because of her husband's job. She kept standing up to greet new people to the tent of the rich and famous, and we all kept taking photos and staring, and she kept right on smiling and looking really happy to be where she was. She is incredibly beautiful. Kate too. Even had they not been famous, you would probably have had to stare at them. Such symmetry in a face, such sculpted jaws and cheek bones, such shiny eyes. That level of beauty elevates mere humans to demi-goddesses. Although Gwinny's hair needed a good brush.

Madonna was forgotten now. Rich people in a tent seemed the point of everything. I mused that lessons could be learnt from this. People obviously don't mind waiting if they have famous people to stare at. I thought perhaps Virgin Trains could have some famous people on contract to walk up and down station platforms when engineering works held up their services. Who'd care if you were going to be twenty five minutes late into Euston when you had Jodie Marsh or Phil Mitchell from Eastenders to gawp at? Just an idea.

Soon after the descent of the Hollywood Godesses however, the lights went down and a wave of vocal excitement rose from the crowd like a living thing. The great big M's lit up. She was ready to come among us.

POSSIBLE END OF THE WORLD

2008-09-09T23:45:00.002+02:00

As you will know, tomorrow scientists plan to smash some 'particle beams' together, just to see what happens, with just a smidgen of a chance that what might happen is that the experiment wipes out our entire cosmos. Small price to pay for a bit of curiosity, I say.

Scientists, eh? Scamps! Gotta love 'em.

Just on the off-chance our universe is destroyed though, I would like to take this opportunity to say cheerio and nice knowing you.

(Can't help thinking that this fatal turn in Earth's history will become the plot of many a film on the Planet Zog, with lots of CGI and smart quips from their equivalent of Will Smith)