MIDDLE CLASS PARENTS: YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG

Scribbles is very concerned to recently learn that up and down this country, the fair sons of the middle classes are being slayed by addiction to skunk. It was a shock to learn that the future Barristers, Surgeons and Bankers of England have all abandoned school and taken to their beds to spend their time sucking super-strength cannabis* into their young lungs.

In one sense, I am tempted to let the situation be. If middle class boys are too doped-up to get a career, then this leaves an opening for middle class girls, and, hold your breath, the working classes to assume the professions. Soon, and very soon indeed, Oxford and Cambridge might be forced to trawl every comprehensive in the land for girls and boys bright enough to fill the free places usually hogged by smart-arsed rich boys.

Part of me however, wants to tell middle class parents what they should be doing about this, because they are just so irritatingly wrong. So, against my better judgement I offer the following advice:

First of all, however excited it makes you, don't encourage arrogance in your boys. That sense of superiority, which seems such a pleasing sign of intellectual promise in a young kiddy, will come back and bite your arse when he becomes a teenager. Plus, we've all had enough of arrogant rich boys in this country and its time they were stopped.

Secondly, allow your child some free time outside of school. Don't make them fill up every second of their day with extra classes, or music lessons, or drama club, or whatever extra curricula activity is currently in vogue amongst your set, because by the time they are 15 skunk will seem the only way out of the oppresssive, maddening world you have created for them.

Thirdly, tell them they are forbidden to smoke anything, never mind Skunk. You don't have to debate the issue with your darling offspring, you can actually tell them not to do it just because you are the parent, and odd as that may seem, that is enough. Don't get nanny to do it for you either.

Fourth, if you find they are spending their allowance on skunk, stop their money. Please trust me when I say that giving them no money will not induce death in your child. It might cause social embarrassment amongst their affluent peer group, but they will continue to breathe.

Remember A.R.S.E.

Arrogance is not allowed
Recreational free time is OK
Say they can't smoke skunk
End their money

* research suggests this might be a slight exageration, but we should never let the facts get in the way of middle class angst