Women Blogging

Very Interesting post Women Versus Men by Sunny on the Pickled Politics blog.

"I've been managing online discussion communities for over seven years," says Sunny, "and this is a consistent pattern among discussions on politics and current affairs - both sexes read discussions but it is mostly men who respond and get into slagging matches over controversial issues... Why is this the case?"

Good question. I'm a woman. I blog. I read lots of blogs. And yet I rarely comment on blogs. I've always put this down to the fact that I just don't have the time or energy to contribute to many on-line discussions. In fact, I just don't know how people do it so well and so regularly. But come to think of it, with me, there is also a sense of 'what would be the point? Whose mind would I change?' When I do comment, in stark contrast to a lot of (male) commentators, I don't do it to take a pot shot at the writer or to win an argument. I do it purely because I feel I have something useful or even (goddamn it) funny to say. And usually, come to think of it, it's on a blog where I've taken a liking to the blogger.

Is my lack of commenting then, rather than an issue of time and energy, more of a sort of feminine conditioning?

Don't really know. One thing I would say is that there is a lot to this idea of women being social conditioned into not arguing or even being verbally assertive. I've always been quite a plain speaker and up for a good debate, without I hope any sense of aggression, but after so many years of university seminars, pub discussions, business meetings where I've managed to make people incredibly defensive and had to put-up with men and women telling me to "chill" or feeling they have to placate me, I had to learn to modify my behaviour. I am simply not allowed to talk with passion about anything; it makes people feel uncomfortable.

This is not to say that I stopped speaking my mind, but more that I had to become far more careful of how I phrased things and constantly mindful of the tone of my voice. I would not have done this were it not for the fact that it produced results - I had to deal with less sarcasm and people, ironically, patronised me less. And I don't think I would have had to have done this if I were male. Men can argue. Men can say someone is wrong. Men don't get punished for trying to win an argument. Women, however, are not respected for being 'disagreeable'.

Quite frankly though having to enforce a verbal filtering system to soften what I have to say bores the tits off me. It's such bloody hard work. And I don't always manage it. I just wish that people would not be so quick to take offence, take me seriously rather than trying to jolly me along, and not be so intimidated by someone who wants to talk about serious stuff once in a while.

Which is why blogging is such a relief, because I don't have to filter my verbals here. People will either like what I say or not, but they won't tell me to "calm down" because other bloggers Get It. And the men are not distracted by the sight of my flowing dull-brown locks or flutterin' eyelashes on my little piggy eyes. Equally though if I put up a post, here or on the Popinjays, I have no right to expect people not to shoot their words at me like wounding bullets if they so choose. But if I minded getting shot at, I wouldn't put my head above the parapet.

But having said all that, to write this blog I do not wear a false moustache and put rolled-up socks in the crotch of my trousers. I am not here to try out some sort of male-alter-ego. If I didn't announce on my profile that I was female, you could probably tell after a while anyway. There is a real sense of blokishness on some blogs that doesn't appeal to me and I'm definitely not a fan of bear-pit blogging. And this blog does not attract the type of people who like to throw insults around and neither would they be welcome here. Honest disagreement is always welcome as is sarcasm, taking the piss, and rudeness, but nastiness isn't.

God, I am such a big girl.

From the PP comments:

Sonia
oh yes back in 1995 when i used to sit around bulletin boards and irc channels, i used to use 2 nicknames - psychotic and neurotic ( ha ) Everyone assumed by my username i was male and also by the things i said. apparently i was 'aggressive' - this was mentioned when it somehow came out that i was female. when i was thought to be a man - there was no such comment. people weren't very friendly when they found out you were an 'aggressive female with "ideas" - as opposed to all the 'gurgling' females acting 'true to type' who got a) sexual attention and b) compliments. no surprises why all these girls behave the way they do then - who wants to be a social outcast!

... women aren't rewarded in society for sticking their necks out and making blunt statements and in a nutshell - not conforming. ooh no..and who 'regulates' the behaviour of females the most but other females? being seen as unfeminine, argumentative, unattractive - these are the judgements that are heaped upon those of us who make a fuss. oh yeah - and you get icy looks from the masses of women - 'you think you're better than the rest of us' - type bitchiness. and who wants to put up with that? not too many people that's who.

the irony of feminism - we're let down by our own kind. when im in bangladesh - yes men look at you on the streets if you're dressed a bit non-conservatively. but who looks at you 'funny'? the women that's who! and if they know you they make it their business to point out things like 'your bra strap is showing' ( so fucking what) or aaaee!how can you go out in public minus a chemise. anyone who stands up and says sth is deemed a bad immodest girl - by whom - the aunties that's who.

Gertrude
So true, and sometimes self-identified feminists are the worst about that, aren't they? The in a different voice kum-ba-yah safe-space-for-women kind, I mean. I had to just stop reading a friend's blog because whenever I would disagree with anything anyone else said (politely, I thought, and pretty much the same way I do on other friends' blogs without causing any kind of fuss), she would immediately step in to smooth over the presumably ruffled feathers and basically tell me to shut up (in non-judgmental facilitator-speak, of course). I couldn't seem to remember to adopt different manners for this one blog for more than a few weeks at a time, so giving it up entirely was the only solution in the end.

For me, I get into online arguments occasionally but not nearly as often as I actually disagree with something I'm reading. I don't think its so much that I fear being seen as aggressive as that it tends to get all the way under my skin if whomever I'm arguing with gets insulting towards me, and I will be resenting and fuming over it for days afterwards. Sometimes I'll suddenly remember some online slight that happened years ago and fume over it all over again. It's an extremely unpleasant emotional state to be in and every time it happens I swear off online debate for a while.

I don't know if it's a gendered thing or just specific to my own personality. I do recall reading about some study or other showing that young girls tend to take verbal duels much more seriously and attribute much higher stakes to them than young boys do. It supposedly had some relationship to girls and boys different attitudes towards competition in general, but I can't remember what now, wish I could find the article again

Katy Newton
I think that women (not all women by any means) tend to see political discussions as discussions, i.e. a conversation to explore the possible ramifications and consequences of a particular proposition and try and find some sort of consensus without falling out, whereas men (not all men by any means) tend to see political discussions as a competition which is won by the person who gives least ground.

So I do find that there is a certain type of person, and it is usually a youngish bloke, who will say anything, absolutely anything, no matter how ridiculous or unworkable it is, to keep up their end of the argument rather than admit that in the course of discussion what they are saying has turned out not to be workable. If I’m talking to someone like that I do tend to bow out of the conversation because it seems pointless to me, it achieves nothing. But one of the things I like about this site is that the people on here generally (male and female) aren’t like that at all.

Jay Singh
Everyone here is talking absolute bollocks none of you know what you're talking about you're all wrong and I'm right and none of these stereotypes are true you are all idiots and none of you know what you're talking about men are not aggressive on the internet you bunch of f*£$*ng bastards and I have a bigger cock than all the men here.

And it's so good to have such clever and articulate women here who can actually have discussions but I have noticed that they tend to become irritable once a month.

Twats. It's all about the Enlightenment.